I have had a lot to say and yet the words never seem to want to come out of me. At this point, I don�t even know where to begin. I mean, I could bore you all with the mundane details from the last week and a half of my life. I could talk about the petty bullshit going on at work and how I almost just quit without having another job. Or how I called our director and talked to her for 40 minutes instead and how have the whole team thanking me for a better work environment. I could talk about how things still aren�t back to normal yet with Brian (and I do intend to write a whole locked entry about what�s been going on there lately, but that takes energy, of which I have very little).
Instead, I�ll talk about my sister turning 40. She threw a big birthday bash for herself. Brian was supposed to be my date but cancelled at the last minute. So I got all prettified and when I arrived I went straight to the margaritas. After that I wandered around a bit talking to people. I ran into some of my sister�s old friends that I hadn�t seen in years, like pre-pre-surgery days. This one guy, Les, he had gone to lunch with us one time when my sister took me to lunch for my birthday. He�s one of those super-cute guys that is so adorable that you know he has to be gay. And he saw me and recognized me a little and I sort of thought I might know him but it�s been so long, so I put my hand out to introduce myself and he said �You�re Joline�s sister aren�t you?�, to which I answered Yes. And he just couldn�t stop telling me how great I look. Well, because I do of course, and that night, I looked hot! Smokin�! Anyway, I mixed and mingled with the friends and family, had 2.5 margaritas and really had a good time. I think I actually had a better time than if Brian was there because if he was there I would have felt like I had to babysit him and stay with him and this way I got to wander around talking to everyone. Of course it didn�t hurt when everyone told me how great I looked.
What�s weird is I can be totally sad and on the verge of tears one moment (like earlier in the day I was all the queen of depression city), but once I put on my party face, I was genuinely happy and enjoying myself. My laughter, my smiles, they were real. Then I come home and open back up the door to the city of gloom and take back my throne. I don�t understand that about myself. I think it just takes a lot of energy putting on the party face and sometimes I just have to take it out.
I should have taken a picture of my adorable outfit, but both my sister and I realized at the end of the party that we hadn�t taken any pictures. Bad girls. But let me describe. I had gotten my toes done that day with a light teal color. Oh, and I just remembered that part of what I wore is in another picture from when I went to Vegas with Danny, let me link�.
So anyway, I wore that shirt and sweater combo, which matched my toes perfectly, white jeans and some white sandals with a bit of a chunky heel and a leather flower on the criss cross front, some teal earrings and a mother of pearl flower necklace on a leather rope. I looked so cute. And seriously, cute clothes do make for a fun mood. There�s something to knowing that you look good.
I spent a good part of the night telling embarrassing childhood stories to my sister�s friend Les and his partner Dave. They wanted all the dirt. Sadly, I couldn�t remember that much dirt. But the evening did end with an invitation to come join them for dinner, so now I have new friends! Yay, I love new friends.
But then the whole thing makes me realize how close I am to 40. Just 19 months away. And I know from the past that 19 months fly by like you don�t even know it. My sister was talking about how she had certain things she wanted to achieve before she was 40 and she achieved them. She was excited about her �hobby� as the singer in their band, how the day before her birthday she got an exciting new job offer, and just how happy she was with her life. I can only hope I feel the same on my 40th. I have to figure out what I want that to look like� and then I have to really go after it. Motivation, maybe it just provided some motivation for me. And fear, a lot of that fear thing!
Also, I saw a new psychiatrist yesterday and I liked him. He was easy to talk to and I�m back on meds so that is good news. Hopefully, that will help stabilize all my ups and downs and get me back in the game in a stronger way. I�m starting to feel caught up at work and that makes me sleep better as well.
I have some weird decisions I�m considering and they sort of involve the way the world has dictated what a family has to look like and wondering if I can�t create a different kind of family. I have talked it over with a few friends and it�s a big step and not one to enter into lightly, so it involves a lot more thinking. A lot more. But it�s no secret that I want children. But when I think about where my life is right at this moment, I really don�t feel ready to care for a child. I know if I had one, I�d just do it, but that�s not what I want. But why does motherhood have to look a certain way. So I was thinking about having a baby, but not raising it but being in it�s life, like a second mom. I mean, I loved my weekends with my nephew when he was little and I love my time with him now, but I also enjoy �my� time too. And you lose that when you are a parent, especially a single parent. So I�m considering having a baby for my friend Jana, in an open adoption where I would have visitation rights and such on paper. We�d have to work out all the legal stuff, but I�d still be a mom, just not the one with custody. Jana and her husband would have custody, but my family would still be the baby�s relative and the baby would just have two moms and possibly two dads depending on where the sperm comes from. I don�t know� it�s a big deal and you have to know I am not just thinking of some perfect world where it all works out. I know it�s a lot to think about and I have no intention of just jumping in and running out and getting pregnant. But somehow, I liked the idea of knowing I had a child out there, that my friend Jana had the family she always wanted, that there was a child out there that had my genes that I could spend time with, but wouldn�t have to worry over quite as much (in terms of providing full time support). It would certainly be a different kind of family but who is to say it couldn�t work. Anyway, just a little something that�s hanging around in my mind while I figure things out.
It seems to have been a shitty year, and I won�t list each pile of poo, I know them well enough myself, and none of them have killed me and I know there are people out there going through worse things, but it just will feel good to put this year behind me. Most of the year is a blur of pain and doctor�s offices. I mean, it�s been one health thing after another and I still have a list of doctor�s I�m supposed to have follow up visits with (and am about 2 months overdue for all of them) � neurologist, ophthalmologist, gynecologist, physical therapist, and then the other kind of therapist. But hey, I got to the psychiatrist, that�s a good first step. And I found a therapist I like, there�s just an issue with how she�s loaded in the insurance company system and they have to work that out before I can go see her. But she�s a psychiatric nurse who does therapy and I like that idea, because she would understand how my medical issues and physical/chronic illnesses interweave with my mental illness. I�ve talked to her twice on the phone and just really clicked. I guess it�s just the right time.
Last time I had a poopy year, the next one turned out to be a fantastic year. So I know that next year is my year. Actually, I just realized, the last year that matches this one in it�s poopiness was 1996 and then 1997 was a great year. Now it�s 2006 and next year is 2007. That just suddenly struck me� 10 years difference. Anyway, moving on. This year is already going better, not perfect but I know the worst, or I believe the worst, is behind me.
And right now, that�s good enough. I won�t always accept good enough, but sometimes good enough is great.
