�It�s all going to be okay.�
Those are the words (in one form or another) that I keep telling myself right now. For a Wednesday, there has already been so much packed into this week that my head spins. I�m in a weird place, really emotional, for some reasons that I know about and some that I�m not sure and just sort of mentally exploring right now. There�s a whole lot of stuff going on with Brian right now that�s contributing to my emotional space (some good, I had thought at the time and then the whole world flipped over like a 2 bit crack whore desperate for her next hit. But that stuff is not going to be in this entry, although it may appear in a locked entry if I get the energy to write it all out.
Before my emotional explorations, first a special treat! Some randomness. Okay, it�s not much of a treat, but Halloween is still quite a ways away so there�s still time for a better treat. Or maybe I�ll just play some kind of trick.
So alas, the slightly-hyped almost treat-like randomness begins.
I�ve recently completed a little CD project. I found a box of CD�s of mine in a pile in the garage so I have been working on uploading them to my computer. In the box, are a bunch of burned CD�s that I burned about 2-3 years ago and had been listening to at work at that time. When I had my hernia repair, my desk was moving to another building and I was also interviewing outside the company so I wasn�t sure if I was going to be returning so I had boxed up all personal items and taken them home. Hence the box, full of CD�s, some burned by myself, present in the garage. A large quantity of the burned CD�s were not labeled so I�ve been sort of playing CD roulette. I�ve been doing a lot of driving so I just pop in an unlabeled CD and see what music comes out (if any, some seem to be blank or damaged). It�s kind of interesting. Sometimes, my burned CD�s make sense and sometimes they�re just totally random, like I had just downloaded 20 or more songs and made a CD of them and they don�t go together at all. So I might have Eminem and Dixie Chicks and then some Craig David and then a little Kelly Clarkson followed by a healthy dose of Godsmack. It�s kind of fun. Anyone want me to send them the CD�s when I�m done?
The other day, I was super early on my way to an audit in a farfaraway place (Slightly passed the �Valley�, a horrible journey from OC in rush hour traffic so I always allow super extra extra time to get there) so I stopped at a Wallysmart to kill some time (instead of killing some fellow commuters). On the front of the store, it said �Wallysmart� and then just below that �always�. What do you think that means? That they are ALWAYS wallysmart? Because that�s kind of obvious. Any thoughts?
At my audit, there was this one claim, and the doctor�s name on it was �Wexler� and for some reason, when I looked at the claim, I saw �sexier� and I was thinking, �WTF is THAT word doing on a medical claim?
A little earlier that same morning, I had been reading a C0smo article that had been written �for the guys� to help get their �lady� in the �mood�. It said something about relaxing her with alcohol, make her a drink, get her a beer, crack open a bottle of wine. But the way the paragraph breaks ended, the sentence on that particular line of the paragraph said something about relaxing her with alcohol, �make her a drink, get her a beer or crack� and the �open a bottle of wine� was not on the same line. And I was thinking �WTF? C0smo is promoting the use of crack? As a way to get booty?"
A lot of the WTF moments are courtesy of the fact that I had not gotten any sleep the night before. I mean, you know how sometimes you say you got no sleep but what you mean is that you tossed and turned and fell asleep for a bit here and there and when you add it all up it doesn�t add up to much but there WAS some actual sleeping? Yeah, it wasn�t like that. Like not once, not even a little drifting off. So, when all these WTF moments were occurring, I was already 24 hours into what turned out to be a very long day � wake up at 6 AM on Monday morning, got to sleep at 10:30 on Tuesday night and then sleep for 4.5 hours. How fun. Let�s do it again next week. Oh, and will you bring the popcorn next time?
Why no sleep, well, I�ll get to that in a minute, but first, I do still have another random story to share and then I�ll get to the real stuff inside my head. Patience grasshopper.
I love my relationship with my brother in law. I think he�s an amazing person and I�m so glad to have him in my life. He is truly a friend to me in an amazing way (in a non-sexual you do my sister regularly kind of way) and we�ve had many in depth, deep conversations. But I also like the way we joke around with each other. Here�s an example of a few phone messages I left for him the other day: �Hey I realized that it�s nearing the end of the month and I haven�t used up all my harassment minutes yet and since there�s no rollover on harassment minutes, I figured I�d better call you. I have a city limits related very unimportant question and I thought you might know the answer so you better call me back.� Then today, after no call, I left this message �Hey, you haven�t called me back. Did you forget about the 24 hour harassment call back timeframe? It�s very evil so you�d better call me back as it�s past 24 hours and there�s no grace period. Unless you are out saving lives as an officer of the state of c@lifornication, in which case you will need a letter from the governor so be sure to have all your documentation in place�. I love my brother in law (in a non-sexual you do my sister regularly kind of way).
Okay, end of randomness. (and my apologies to YOU that you didn�t get to hear the stories first. I tried, I really tried, but you put me on hold, and the canyon, and the bathroom and then tv shows and clowns and and and.)
So there�s this whole emotional strangeness thing that�s going on with me right now. Some of it is familiar, a sense of �I�ve been here before emotionally and wasn�t it about this time of year� but some of it remains elusive. The whole �going through the cedar chest� thing has really awakened this whole family sentimentality thing in me. I have this sudden urge to just think/talk about my family. I�m so fortunate to have the parents that I have, the family that I have and all of a sudden I�m overwhelmed with regrets that I didn�t know more about relatives, didn�t spend more time with them, etc. But I know in the end, it�s all okay. They�re out there somewhere, I feel it in my heart, watching my life and smiling in pride (mostly pride, sometimes laughter at my embarrassing hijinx). So thinking of my grandmother (and other family members) was part of the reason I was awake all night on Monday. (The other part was the coin-flipping with Brian). It�s also made me really weepy when watching television. Whenever there�s a sentimental family moment an whatever random show I�m watching, I get all teary eyed. Crying. Love it. Hate it.
So, it�s the �anniversary� of the joining of Hurricane Katrina and the South. So there�s all this media coverage. It just calls up all the emotions we went through as a nation a year ago, which adds to my emotional state. I do tend to be emotional in the fall, that�s one of my actual identified �down seasons�. I haven�t always figured out why, back to school associations maybe? But it�s been especially worse in the last few years. I remember last year having all this anxiety about tragedies and what if something like that (Or 9/11) happened here in CA, what chaos would it bring, how can we plan for it, prepare our reaction, etc. But it also brings up anxieties of not feeling safe (in this world) and those are always troubling feelings. I realized that the feeling I think we all associate with Katrina is so similar to the feelings we had at 9/11 and I realized, hey, both September events. Both traumatic. Images and thoughts of both stir up such wicked emotions in me. Emotions that have gotten worse in the last few years. And I think, Hmm.. connection? Maybe, maybe not. We all have this body/brain/emotion connection and I think that our bodies know when a certain time of year arrives and automatically go into �September� mode. Since there have been two traumatic September events, I think my body has programmed itself to initiate anxiety and slight panic while in �September� mode. I�m going to need to explore this more (with professional help) and figure out how to deprogram this. God, I�m so in need of getting back on medication (psychiatrist moved to New Jersey, got a new one, didn�t click, she cancelled an appt and I never rescheduled so then the meds ran out, got referral to new one but just have been so enjoying all my recent doctor visits that I keep putting off adding new doctors to the mix. Bad Janet!).
In addition to those two traumatic memories, I also was watching The S0pran0s and in one episode, there is a modestly graphic rape scene and then THAT started calling up all sorts of feelings about the date rape I experienced 6 years ago (and just now realized that it occurred, oh, at right about this time of year as well, interesting). So in addition to the 9/11 and Katrina images my brain (and media) keep flashing me, I also have been flashing on my rape which brings up those feelings of not being safe. (In a side note, one of the things I love about being with Brian, I feel so safe with him, in that physical way, where I know he would protect me and like he would totally go after anyone who hurt me and I know HE would never hurt me physically)
Then, to add to that, last night at 10 when I was working on finally getting some sleep (Is it really only Wednesday?), our power went out. I figured it was just a blackout, told myself to go to sleep and it�d be back on when I woke up. I needed to be up at 5 AM because I had to drive to San Diego this morning. I knew my alarm would be all weird when the power came on but I wake up so frequently during the night and my body just seems to know when I need to get up so I wasn�t worried about waking up. At some point in the night, I woke up and realized that instead of hearing the sound of my fans, I was hearing the sound of crickets still, so I knew the power wasn�t back on. I looked at my cell phone and saw that it was 3:30 and thought, wow, how strange that it�s not back on yet. The world was so quiet and I was so surprised about the power not being on and it started to create some anxiety as well. Because 5.5 hours without power means something is wrong, it�s not a black out. And then I thought again about Katrina and disasters and the loss of power and thought, what is happening out there outside my window and quietly slipped into panic mode.
I will say, I quickly recognized the panic mode and nipped it in the bud, reminding myself of other power outage reasons and said don�t stress because you can�t change it, and then changed my stressing to logistical type things. First was the thought that I knew I could not allow myself to go back to sleep as I might not wake up early enough to deal with getting ready to go to work without power. Then I thought about getting ready to go to work without power and what that would mean. My room was a hazard area of clothes and shoes and such. What was I going to wear, where were these clothing items, how would I find them in the dark? My hair, I can�t blow dry it. Make up, I am amazing, I can apply that blindfolded (yes, I know, thank you for the applause), but the hair, I feel so sloppy when I don�t wash my hair and I feel so sloppy when my hair hasn�t been blow dried, but I realized my hair was clean enough and I could just throw it in a pony tail and I�d be okay.
I knew I could take a shower in the dark but was really thinking about the clothing thing. Since I had just been down to this particular San Diego location last Friday, I was worried about wearing the same outfit. I was also concerned because we really do try to �step� up our dress when we are out at audits so I couldn�t really just pull out some pants and a shirt and be done. And for the life of me, I could not remember what I had worn the Friday before, so I was trying to mentally piece together outfits that I hadn�t worn in the last few weeks (and that were brown, since I KNEW where the comfortable brown shoes in the dark and black shoes would have required nylons and I was SO not doing nylons in the dark). I got out of bed, and using the light of my cell phone, tried to locate clothing items in the dark so I could figure out exactly what was what and get ideas. I did manage to piece together what was a slightly acceptable outfit that I was positive I had not worn the previous Friday but I wasn�t totally happy with it as it was a little more casual than I wanted to wear but whatever, no power, getting ready in the dark, right?
So, THEN it finally dawns on me, hello, candles. (The flashlight connection had already fired in my brain but though I own a flashlight, I never seem to remember where I put it when I need it) I knew exactly where my wonderful long-handled safety lighter was stored and I knew exactly where my candles are in my room. Hello light. So that made it easier, and also made me see I had picked the wrong overshirt/tank top combination by the light of my cellphone and would have been very unhappy when I found myself in the light and realized that with my matching color issues it could have been tragic (insert a bit of sarcasm and self-mocking here).
Whilst in the shower, my wonderful mother brought in some flashlights and I remembered that I could wear my brown suit and I knew where all the key pieces of the ensemble were and with the candle light could find it and I definitely hadn�t worn it in a while and it was professional enough. Wardrobe problem solved.
My mom came in the bathroom as I was brushing my teeth and dropped a $20 bill on the counter and said, I don�t know how much cash you have in your wallet, here�s a twenty so you can buy breakfast and lunch since you can�t take any food with you (she had requested that I not open the fridge or freezer doors and she was going to get some ice when the store opened) and we don�t really know how long this is going to last. I told her I was okay, I had cash. But she insisted. See.. wonderful amazing family. Very lucky happy Janet.
As I drove to work, I saw that the outage only seemed to affect a small portion of our neighborhood and that alleviated some of my earlier disaster panic. It also made me feel incredibly jealous of all my neighbors that DID have power and were probably right that moment blow drying their hair and opening refrigerators. Bastards.
It all worked out okay, the power came back on at noon. Three transformers had gone out and one of them caught on fire. My mom bought tons of ice and dry ice and rescued all of our food (pretty much). My mom, lot of type A in her. I used to hate it. But now I love it. But she�s also had her edges softened over the years so that helps. And as I�ve grown older, I�ve also grown wiser and had my edges softened too. My mom, definitely a caretaker. My dad too, but not in the type A way. Probably why I�m such a caretaker.
So my goal for tonight was to find my floor. I haven�t totally succeeded, partly because I stopped to write this. But along the way to finding my floor, I think I�ve found a bit of myself that I needed to find. Writing it all has really helped me feel better tonight. Thank you all for softening my edge tonight. God love all of ya that stuck with me through this whole entry. The luck o' the irish to ya.
