10 hours of sleep in 3 days. That sounds about right, right?
What happens when I can�t sleep is I get punchy. Yesterday, Carrie got the full measure of my insanity with a phone call� Suddenly, I�m like this big wind-up toy and I can�t shut up
Some thoughts that were running through my mind:
Most homes, I�d say 95% or more, are built with one staircase, usually in a common room like the living room. Has anyone noticed that on 95% of tv shows, there are 2 stair cases in the house? One in the living room and one in the kitchen? What�s up with that?
Also, another TV family observation: Have you ever noticed that most TV shows, all the guests and visitors come through the back door? How many of you greet your guests and visitors at the back door on a regular basis?
So, when hard food gets stale it gets soft and when soft food gets stale, it gets hard� What�s that all about? (Actually, I know the answer to this one, thanks to high school biology, it�s osmosis).
In Texas, on the interstate, they have different speed limits for �day� and �night�. On the speed limit sign it says �75 MPH, Night 65 MPH� or something similar. So, how do they define night? I mean, is it when the sun goes down, at a certain time in the evening, when it starts to get dusky? Just saying �night� kind of leaves it open to interpretation. Don�t you think it should be more clear? Because to me, �NIGHT� is when it�s totally dark. But what if the cop things �night� is anytime after 6 PM? And if the definition is �when it�s dark�, that�s kind of open for interpretation too. I mean, my dark might be different than your dark.
No segue way whatsoever.
I haven�t been sleeping lately. I�m tired, exhausted even, but not sleepy enough to sleep. And damn all of you for living in different time zones. Luckily, Michele lives in a time zone that is 3 hours ahead of us here in Cali and also tends to get up at 4 AM or so 5 AM Florida time, so when it�s 1 in the morning here and I can�t sleep, I can actually call her without getting that panicked �it�s the middle of the night and the phone is ringing what bad news am I going to get� feeling.
So what�s going on? Not sure. I�m just in a really weird space in life right now, it�s very unsettling when I can�t even define it or figure it out. I�m just totally in fear and scared all the time. I lay in bed and night, and have horrible panic attacks, like being-attacked-at-knife-point kind of attacks. I�ll just be lying (or laying or whatever the hell the correct term is) in bed and my body will just jump, my whole body just suddenly in one big startle like a big bang. I get the anxiety in my stomach and my body starts shaking and trembling. Then I have to talk myself down and back to reality and get that adrenaline out of my system again, just in time for the next attack.
In the month of August, I need to see 4 specialists: gynecologist, ophthalmologist, orthopedic and psychiatrist. I�m awash in medical issues. And because of the medical issues, I�m not working full time, hence not making a full time salary which makes it harder to pay for the medical issues. At $40 a visit to a specialist, plus medications, it all adds up really quickly.
I�m not sure why I�m so afraid of the future right now. I think it�s just because this year has felt so hard for me, and when that happens, I just envision more gloom and doom in my future. I think that nothing will go right. I worry over every decision, that it will lead me down the wrong path, or what is the right path and how do I find it. I�m overwhelmed with decisions that I probably don�t even need to be making right now.
I�m a thinker. I always have been. It�s just who I am. So I just lay there in bed at night thinking. And that usually leads to worrying.
I also just feel very alone and isolated. Because of the medical issues and emotional issues, I have done it to myself. I have made my world very small. I go to work. I go home. I sit in my room. I eventually fall asleep. It�s just not good for me. Plus, sitting around in my room, I generally end up chowing down slowly and methodically throughout the evening and that certainly isn�t good for me.
I think I�m going to institute a personal star chart. It sounds stupid, and maybe it is, but I just need to try something to get life moving again. My ship has been moving in the wrong direction, it�ll be slow to get it turned around and get momentum up again, but it just has to be done. So it�ll be something like 2 stars for getting out of bed, 2 stars for working a whole day, 2 stars for doing something productive, 2 stars for exercising, 2 stars for eating healthy or whatever. Productive has a pretty broad definition. Basically, it would be anything that�s not lying around in bed eating and watching TV. For example, laundry would be something productive, even though during the laundry I�d be laying around watching TV. Going out with a friend after work � productive. Walking around the lake � productive. Sitting outside on the patio and reading � productive. Then I�ll reward myself when I reach a certain level. I just have to try something, I�m drowning. Maybe it won�t work. Maybe I�ll toss it to the curb after 3 days, but I have to at least try it. Or figure out something better.
