This entry will be about as all over the place as my life has been. Put your seat belts and helmets on and hang on.
Sometimes, you DO make it out of bed, you DO the right thing and get dressed and head to work and you STILL can�t get there. Some horrible accident with a fatality basically shut the freeway down. After driving 1 and a half hours to go 1 mile, I finally called my boss and said �can I work from home please?�
I keep getting weird thoughts. I almost hate to put them down here on paper.
I thought about taking a piece of white paper and smearing it with some of my blood and putting it in one of those damn �Our Baby� frames. Then I could show it off to the world. See, there it is, stop asking when I�m having kids, here�s my baby. I could put it in a car seat and ride in the car pool lane. You all hate me for this paragraph because it is sick and twisted but it might all be part of the vomit that has to come out.
In SATC, Miranda chooses not to have an abortion saying �What if this is my baby?� so I guess I just have to say, this WASN�T my baby. And there may never be a MY baby. All I may ever have is that smear of blood.
I�ve started worrying a lot about the future and about my parents and about them getting older and not being in the best of health and worrying about how I�m going to take care of them in their old age when I can�t even take care of myself in my young age. I don�t want them to have to want in their old age. I want them to have fabulous retirements with travel and relaxation and no worries. I want to be able to give that to them as a thank you for all they have done for me. But right now, I can�t even mumble out an appropriate greeting much less a thanks for anything.
The word irony has been misused so many times I�m not even sure what its appropriate meaning is anymore, so I�m not sure if the following story qualifies, but it felt ironic to me, is that good enough?
I�ve been needing two new tires on my car for about a month. I�ve had the money to do it for about 3 weeks but never seem to feel healthy enough on the days where I have time to go get tires. But I drive a lot for a living. I�ve put a lot of miles on my car in the month since I�ve found out I needed two new tires. I�ve been really pushing it, almost like walking up to fate and slapping it around a little. Wednesday, I asked my parents if they were going to be out running errands if they could drop of my car and pick it up for me. They said sure. But the place they took it to that day only had one tire and couldn�t do it until Thursday. They offered to take it for me on Thursday and my mom volunteered to trade cars with me since I had a 200 mile drive that day and really felt like I was pushing it with the whole luck on the tires thing.
So I�m driving to my office (in my mom's minivan) to pick up my laptop so I can drive up to my audit. I hear a funny noise. I feel a funny shimmy. I had a flat tire.
I almost ( I say almost because fuck.. what the fuck) laughed because it seemed ironic (or not if that�s not what that word means because like I said, I don�t even know anymore).
Luckily, in So Cal, we pay extra taxes and they have cute boys who drive around in tow trucks rescuing people and keeping traffic moving so without leaving my car, I had my tire changed and was back on the road in 10 minutes. I barely had time to punch in the number for the auto club when one of our lovely �freeway service patrols� was there to change my tire. Oh, and thank god for full size spares. (And I�m not kidding about the men/women driving around in tow trucks performing acts of traffic kindness for free. It was something they instituted several years ago to keep our freeways moving and prevent cars from sitting on the freeway and blocking traffic. The program has been a huge success and having been rescued a few times, I can say well worth my tax dollars.)
Today, I get in my car (with its 2 new tires)and begin my journey to work, after many struggles with going vs. not going. Get on the freeway. Hear weird noises in my brakes, worry about my brakes. Then see that traffic is not moving. After giving up on the whole going in to the office thing and getting permission to work at home, I dropped off my car at a auto shop for a brake inspection. I hate cars. Not true. I love cars. I hate car maintenance.
I also hate the randomness of life. I hate that someone died on the freeway this morning. I hate that you can leave your house in the morning with your cup of coffee and get a flat tire that can potentially ruin your day. I hate that you can want a baby and then lose one you didn�t know you really had and that out there are people having babies they don�t want. I hate that you can�t plan for anything because there�s some boogey man in the sky pulling all the strings anyway.
