You know when you reach into your jewelry case and pull out a necklace only to find a big knot of chains? And they are so knotted together that you cannot even tell one from the other. That�s how I�m feeling today. My emotions are all knotted together, so tangled I cannot even tell you which ones I am experiencing. I try to draw them out, to deal with them and vanquish them, but all I see is a great big knot.
The knots tangle up with my insides, capturing all rational thought. My body feels twitchy, as if reacting to the pull of the knot inside. I am restless, yet do not have the strength to work it out. I want to focus on the knot, to try to work at least one emotion free, then deal with it, hang it up so it won�t tangle again, but my eyes hurt from staring at it.
I feel tired beyond reason. I have no explanation for the fatigue that I feel. I can barely summon the energy to roll over or to pee. I sit here at the computer typing this, willing my fingers to keep moving, hoping my eyes will stay open. I am trying to build up some momentum to complete at least a few tasks this weekend. If I surrender to the bed, it will be all over, there will be nothing left, except a gummy ball of Janet stuck to the comforter.
I want to get some work done. I need to get some work done. I brought work home with me that needs to be done by 9 AM tomorrow, but I can�t summon the energy to get started. Even the smallest of tasks seem so overwhelming. Like keeping my head upright. I am tired of tasks piling up around me, burying me with their urgent cries. They�re all urgent. Everything in my life seems urgent. But I can�t pick one, so instead I turn my head to the wall, stuff socks in my ears to shut out the cries of the world. It is easier when there is peace in my head.
I feel fear and anger and shame and despair. And then the next minute, I seem to feel nothing. No sooner do I seem to untangle one emotion from the heap when I cough or hiccup and the knot tightens up again. Maybe I just don�t want to know what�s in there, maybe it�s too scary and it�s easier to keep pretending everything is fine.
When it so clearly isn�t.
