I don�t know which is feeding which � am I depressed because my body hurts all the time or is the physical pain a manifestation of the emotional pain? I can�t separate one from the other. Today I woke up at 5 AM and just felt ready to get up, like my body had been sitting still too long. My back and head still hurt but I was feeling restless. Emotionally though, I could hide out for a while. I just don�t want to talk to anyone or interact with any one.
I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream. I was going to Vegas for some kind of convention with a group of friends. Rather than driving there (about 4-5 hours) or flying directly there, I was flying part way and then having a friend pick me up at the airport and then driving the rest of the way with her. The morning I was getting ready to leave for the airport, it suddenly struck me that there wasn�t an airport in between home and Vegas and so I was confused. I checked my flight and I was flying to Albuquerque via Orlando Florida. This made no sense as Albuquerque is about 10 hours or more out of the way. So I just decided not to take the flight and drive with my friend all the way to Vegas. An hour after I had woken up, I was still asking myself, why did I book a flight to Albuquerque? And then I�d have to remind myself it was just a dream.
I think I had some revelations in the car about why this simple dream stuck with me. I think it has to do with choices and how sometimes I make choices that don�t make sense in terms of where I�m trying to go. I think I go way out of my way when there is a straighter and more logical path to get where I�m going. And my choices end up costing me in the end (the money spent on the plane ticket). That�s about as deep as I want to get this morning, but I�m sure I�ll mull this idea over more in the days to come.
Yesterday, I did get back on track with my eating and even wrote a few pages in my food/healthy living journal about what happened over the weekend, some of the �whys� behind it and how I can prevent it from happening again. I felt better, more in control. Writing down what I eat really helps me see that I do have control over my eating. I can�t just mindlessly stuff food in my mouth, I have to be conscious of every calorie. I had kind of a rough night emotionally and did give in to a candy craving about 8ish. I wrote down what I ate and was still within my daily allotment of calories so I wasn�t beating myself up about it. I was trying unsuccessfully to sleep and about 10 realized I was hungry. I was trying to think of what sounded good (if I�m craving something specific then I will usually indulge but just general desire to eat I try to ignore) and nothing really spoke to me. I was genuinely having hunger pangs though so I was trying to decide if it was going to keep me awake or if I should just ignore it. I turned on the TV for a bit and saw a cereal commercial and said oh wow, a bowl of cereal sounds really good right now. So I had the bowl of cereal, putting myself about 200 calories over my daily allotment but still well under what someone would normally eat in a day, so again, not going to beat myself up about it.
I�ve realized that having a specific plan each day for what I�m going to eat also helps me stay in control. I pack my food in the morning and plan out my breakfast, lunch and two snacks. Then when I get hungry it�s not �what do I want?� (a question that generally ends up with me eating something greasy or sugary). I wait until it�s �time� to eat, take out my planned food and enjoy what I have brought. I�m learning to really love healthy foods and find them satisfying. I feel stronger and more confident knowing that I am giving my body what it needs and not bowing to every little taste whim.
That�s all I�ve got today. I feel like I�m in a weird place emotionally. Yesterday, I just felt that I could quit work and live on almost nothing and just stay in my room 24/7. I thought, well, I won�t need much if I never leave the house. It seemed easy to imagine a world without human contact. It�s good that I got out of bed today, too much time alone just makes me want to isolate even more.
