My life feels very out of control right now. There are so many areas where I feel like I have no control. I can�t control my health (well, in small ways), I have no idea if I�m ever going to have a pain free day again, I still don�t really know what�s going on with my eyes other than that we are still watching and waiting. I have no control of my love life. I have no control of my job � I have so many of the groups that I audit that are just falling apart. Plus with the intermittent leave of absence I�ve been on, it�s putting a strain on my boss. I�m protected thanks to federal law, but still, it doesn�t make anyone happy when I miss 1 to 2 days of work a week. Plus the pain, that in itself is stressful. There�s only one area that I feel like I have control and I�m taking control like a fucking domme.
About a month ago or so, I stepped on the scale and it said 240 pounds. I was 366 when I had the bypass surgery. Prior to the surgery, I remember how quickly the pounds packed on when you weren�t paying attention. After the surgery, when I got down to 206 (not quite my goal of 180), I vowed to get below 200 and be vigilant and not allow myself to gain more than 10 pounds. Well, as you can see, that worked like a charm.
I became complacent. I allowed things in my life to take priority over my weight. After three years, the �magic� of the surgery is gone, you have to work to lose more just like everyone else. And if you don�t change your habits, then the weight will all come back on. Well, I did change my habits initially, but slowly, I let them creep back one by one. Until I found that I had gained 36 pounds. I was actually starting to buy larger clothes � something I swore I wouldn�t do. I went through my closet and boxed up the stuff that was too small. It felt like a failure, but I still wasn�t motivated to really do anything serious.
So 240, not ready to be serious, I just tried to cut back. And I did, a little. Instead of eating candy all the live long day, I tried to limit myself. I cut down on my almost daily Del Taco breakfast quesadilla. I cut out my mochas. Other than that, I don�t think I made many other changes. Thanks to the elimination of water weight, those small changes I had made, and a weekend spent walking in San Francisco and not snacking all day long, I lost 15 pounds. I�m now back down to 225.
When I stepped on the scale and saw that I had lost 15 pounds (who cares if it was a lot of water � it counts), I suddenly felt motivated to make some real changes. I got through Tuesday and realized I hadn�t eaten any candy. I wasn�t even trying, it just sort of happened (thanks to the emotional mess I�ve become this week � when I get really depressed, my appetite goes bye bye; when I�m stressed it comes on like a maniac). So Tuesday night, I said, okay, I got through one day, I can get through another. Wednesday I decided it was time to eat the way I ate right after the bypass surgery.
So, what I�m doing is eating 5-6 small micro meals a day. I try to keep them around 200 calories apiece. I eat every 2-3 hours. If I am going to have a larger meal (going out to dinner or lunch or something) then I make it 4 small meals and the one larger meal. I will be averaging about 1000 to 1400 calories depending on the day. I know that doesn�t sound like enough to sustain a hamster, but it�s what I ate post-surgery. I don�t plan to do it forever, just for now to kick start my sorry fucking ass. Oh, did I say a bad word, whatever�. I apologize to the faint at heart.
I�ve been doing good. When I get hungry and want to eat, if it�s time, I eat. If it�s not time, I tell my stomach to shut the fuck up (there�s that word again, I�m not really in the best of moods as I�m writing this) and that I�m bigger than food, that I am stronger than food, that I can win. When I�m tempted to eat candy, I say, no, I don�t want to screw up my progress, I don�t want to go back to 1 day without it, I want to keep building. So far, it�s all working. I even went back to the gym yesterday for the first time in, oh, 6 to 8 months. I plan to go again tomorrow, then hopefully every other day until I just pass out or find myself a string bean for the first time in my life. I just want to be able to control one damn (more cuss words, I�m like a sailor) thing in my life when everything else seems to be falling apart. And this is all I�ve got.
