I don�t know why my joy is so fleeting, why I can be happy one minute and so desolate the next. Today I hurt, my body hurts, my head hurts, my muscles ache so that I cannot move. My nerves send pain signals to my brain and I am so so tired of it. And beneath that, intertwined with that, is the emotional pain, the pain in my soul. My mind hurts, my heart hurts, my insides hurt. I curl up as tight as I can, small as can be and hope that I just fade away. I don�t want to face the day, not today, not tomorrow, maybe not ever.
If I could just exist in a bubble, to be able to go out and yet not interact with the world, I think I could handle it. But I don�t want to speak, to be a part of the world. For now, I just want to observe without being observed. I don�t want to have to explain why it hurts so much just to be awake, to have my eyes open, my brain on, my emotions so raw. I can only hide so long, the world only allows you a short break and then you are expected to rejoin. But I don�t care. When I wake up in the morning, I only care about that moment. There is no thought of the future, of the consequences of staying in bed one more day.
But I know I cannot hide forever, that each day I hide, it will be harder and harder to rejoin the world. I know the first day, the initial human contact, is the hardest. So I vow to get it over with tomorrow. Knowing the weekend is close, I convince myself I am strong enough, I am brave enough, I have what it takes to get up tomorrow, to make it one more day, to make choices that are positive and not choices that perpetuate my sorrow.
Sometimes I am okay with the physical pain. Some days I am reconciled with the emotional pain. But when they hit together, when they hit too often, when they come in relentless waves, I get overwhelmed. I get tired and I succumb to them. I relax in the water and beg the tide to take me under.
I have an auto-immune disease. This means that my immune system is confused. Instead of recognizing and fighting �invaders� (bacteria, viruses, etc), it thinks that its own body is the enemy. It is characterized by a bewitching set of symptoms that often confuse the best of doctors. It usually affects the connective tissue, such as the joints, the skin and one or more organ systems. I am fortunate, those who have kidney or heart involvement generally die. Though I have occasionally had issues with my lungs (pleurisy � a very painful inflammation of the lining of the lungs) and I have trouble with my joints and skin, I have avoided any issues with my kidneys or heart. The organ system that is primarily affected by my illness is my nervous system.
This is, perhaps, one of the causes of my bi-polar disorder, though no one knows for sure. It also causes other issues. It affects not only my mood, but other functions of the nervous system as well. My nerves often misfire, sending pain signals to my brain, like suddenly being stuck with a knife. I have what are not rashes, but intense itching that cannot be relieved. I am occasionally overcome with unusual physical sensation, such as the feeling that my insides have been scorched. I have a hard time regulating my body temperature -- once I become chilled, I cannot warm myself up again, if I am overheated, my body may respond by having chills or I may experience heat stroke. I have circulatory issues that cause my fingers and toes to become cold and painful, turning lovely shades of blue. In addition to the above, I may also experience extreme fatigue, headaches, rashes, joint pain, low grade fevers, general achiness. It is possibly the reason why my optic nerve is degenerating as my immune system may be attacking it.
I know that I am lucky. My disease will not kill me. It would have progressed to that point by now if that is where it was going. My case is mild and not life-threatening. But it is frequently annoying, it is overwhelming and generally a burden. So while I know that I am lucky, while I am grateful to dodge the fatal bullet, it does not make my day to day living any easier. And sometimes, it is just too much. The seesawing and overwhelming emotions, the fatigue, the constant physical pain � I cannot always put my smile on and face the day. Today was one of those days. Tomorrow is still unknown.
