I�ve been knocked down for the past few days by a cold. It�s funny how in my mind, I always think of a cold as some inferior illness � oh it�s JUST a cold. But really, whenever I get one, it�s wicked. They suck. Two nights in a row, I could barely sleep because either a) my head was too full of snot to breathe, b) my throat hurt from the snot dripping down my throat or c) I was in the bathroom peeing from all the fluids I was drinking. I always feel better when the cold moves out of my nose and into my chest. I just hate that sinus shit. But it was the � above that really is what this entry is about: Peeing.
I mentioned a few entries (or 1, or 100, I don�t remember) back that I used to wet the bed. I am not sure how long I did this, I think I outgrew it around 8 or 9. It may have been earlier, I�m not sure. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and feeling that wetness in the bed. There was also shame, and embarrassment and helplessness. When I was really young, I had to wake my mom up to help me change the sheets so I could go back to sleep. And then I had to find somewhere on the mattress to sleep that wasn�t in the wet spot. After a time, I had rubber sheets on my bed, but that was just as bad because it was like a broadcast to everyone who came over �Hey, I wet my bed so I need rubber sheets�. As I got older, I was able to change my own sheets and my pajamas and all that without waking my mom. But then there was still the pile of sheets and clothes so the whole family knew in the morning what I had done.
I remember going to the doctor about it. I remember that I wasn�t allowed to drink water past a certain point at night. I remember that there was a vigilance about going to the bathroom right before bed. I remember �relaxation� sessions in the afternoons as my doctor thought maybe I was sleeping too heavily and that�s why I wasn�t waking up to go to the bathroom. I also will always remember the smell of the urine.
When I was in first grade, I would sometimes wet myself at school. I wasn�t the only one who did this. I am not sure if it was always because we didn�t know we had to pee. I think part of it was that I didn�t like to admit I had to pee. I felt like going to the bathroom was something private and embarrassing. So when I had to go, I would just hold it, afraid to ask the teacher if I could go to the bathroom. It was easier to go at recess when I wouldn�t have to announce it to the whole class. But then I wouldn�t always make it. A little pee would leak out of my bladder. Then more. And soon I had a puddle under my chair. I would always pretend the puddle wasn�t there. It seems there was an unspoken agreement in my grammar school classroom, because none of the other kids mentioned it either. And when the puddle was under their chair, I didn�t mention it to them. We were all ashamed of what was not our fault. Immature bladders, bathroom rules, whatever it was, we were just little kids.
The urine was often dry by the time I got home, but my mom knew, hell everyone knew. There�d be a stain on my pants, and the smell. Always the unmistakable smell of urine.
I hated using public restrooms. I couldn�t pee in them because people would hear me. I was embarrassed that it made noise when I pee�d and I was always trying to find a way to muffle the noise � putting a pile of toilet paper in the toilet to pee on, peeing only when a toilet would flush or a faucet was running. It all seems so ridiculous now, as I KNEW that everyone in the bathroom was there to pee. But I was embarrassed.
On long car trips, even as an adult, I hated to be the one who had to stop the car to use the bathroom. I have a rule, if the car stops, I pee, even if I don�t have to, because I don�t want to have to pee 5 minutes after the car gets back on the road. And you know how sometimes, you kind of have to pee and you can go hours and you never really have to go, but other times, you kind of have to pee and 1 minute later you think your bladder is going to burst?
Anytime my bathroom access is restricted (plane flights, car rides, long meetings, etc) I get hyper aware of my bladder. It�s because of the fact that you can go from kind of having to pee to bursting bladder in 60 seconds flat and there�s no predicting where or when. So whenever I even feel the slightest hint that I might have to pee, I can�t stop thinking about it. It�s like I become obsessive compulsive about my bladder, constantly asking myself, do I have to pee now? Do I have to pee now? Do I have to pee NOW? There�ve been too many times where I get into a situation when I can�t pee and suddenly HAVE to pee and think, man, I wish I had gone one more time. When I�m waiting for a plane, I pee about 20 times before I get on the plane because I know that once you get seated, there may be a 30 minute delay before you can get up and pee. I once got on a plane and just as the plane took off, I suddenly had to pee really bad and had to wait until we were up high enough before I could go. It was torture. So now I tend to overkill. I�ll be in the airport and keep getting up to go. Flight companions will ask, �do you really have to go again?� and I have to explain, �No, but if I don�t go and then have to go when I can�t go I�ll wish I had gone and if I don�t go I�ll spend the next 20 minutes obsessing over it so it�s easier just to keep going every 10 minutes.� It doesn�t make sense to anyone.
But what�s funny, is that if I have unrestricted access to the bathroom, it�s no big deal. In fact, as I�ve been writing this, I�ve had to pee. But because I can get up any time and use the bathroom, I don�t have to go the minute I feel it. Is it a control issue? I have no idea.
Here�s another odd fact. I grew up backpacking and camping and I can crouch and pee with the best of them. I never felt shame squatting in broad daylight in the middle of the forest and watering the trees but I couldn�t pee in a public restroom. What was that about? It wasn�t about public bathrooms being unclean, it was the fact that people could HEAR me pee.
I have gotten over the public restroom thing and now I just let it go, let it make all the noise it needs to make. But the obsessing � that I don�t know how to get over. When I�m driving, I�m constantly mentally checking my bladder like a gas tank. Is it full? Is it filling up? Do I feel anything? It�s horrible, it makes me crazy. I�ll actually purposely dehydrate myself before a long car ride just so I won�t have to pee. I�ll even do this when I am the driver and the only one in the car. I hate it. Maybe I should just invest in adult diapers.
And don�t think I don�t think about wearing them whenever I�m on a long car ride and I have to pee.
P.S. Part 1 I wanted to post this yesterday at 8 PM (or AM) so I could start it with 2:4:6:8 who do we appreciate. (Get it? February 4, 2006 at 8 PM)
P.S. Part 2. I'm trying on some shoes I haven't worn before to see if I want to wear them tomorrow and so right now I'm wearing a bra, a tank top, some undies, knee high nylons and pumps. Nothing else. Doesn't that sound sexy?
