One day, you wake up and you are 37 years old. Not only do you not have the life you envisioned in your dreamy adolescence, but you don�t even like the life that you have. What to do, what to do?
I have many regrets in life. Some I still have time to rectify and some I will just have to get over. One thing that nags at me daily is the life that I�m living and how it is measured by both myself and those around me. Do I have a life that others would want? Do I even have a life that I would want? And that last one is the most important question of all. I am plagued by doubts about where my choices have taken me and I recognize that above all, it was my own choices that got me to where I am today.
There�s a frequent question that flies around � if you won the lottery, what would you do? After the debaucherous shopping sprees and world travel-fests, I would need to find something of meaning to fill my days. There are two basic visions for the life that I want. They are not diametrically opposed and can be achieved in the same lifetime. One of them requires something(s) that I do not have. The other one, I thought, was also out of reach barring impossible lottery winnings. I see no way out of the first one, but I have found a way to make the second one possible. All on my own. And this excites me more than I can say. In fact, I think for the first time in years, I am excited about my life.
After 37 years of barreling down the path of my life, it is hard to change directions. I look towards the future and I see 2 paths (I know there are more, but I�m only looking at these 2) � continue down this one that I am currently on, or take the 2nd path. I have plenty of time to prepare, to make the turn onto the new path and my body is all aquiver with the anticipation of making that turn. My muscles are tightened up in preparation, my mind is focusing on the road ahead, eager to plot a new course and watching out for road signs and directions.
I ended up where I am today partly by chance, partly by concerted decisions and often by avoiding decisions and thus making a decision to go a different way. I don�t want to do that anymore, as it has not profited me in the way I would like � not with a richness of assets, but with a richness of purpose and joy in life. I have felt locked into the life that I am leading, thinking the path was too deeply rutted for me to pop my wheel off of it and make another trail. But I am reminded by my friends, and by my own advice that I�ve given to others, the next few years will pass either way so why not try something new. I guess I just never saw a way to do it.
Growing up, I really only wanted one thing from life � to be a wife and mom, to be the touch point in a family, the chef, the keeper of the hearth, the person behind the scenes who makes it possible for the children to grow to their full potential, for the partner (spouse) to get up every day and conquer the world. Right or wrong, I get a great sense of accomplishment by giving to others. Those that know me well tell me I am a mom without children. They just see me as a mothering type of person. But I am childless. And at 37 years old, I have to come to grips with the fact that I may remain so. Having the whole package requires having a man, a sustaining relationship, a marriage. I have not been able to make this happen yet. And too much time may pass in this search for a man as to render me unable to bear biological children. I have to be okay with this. The other option of being a single parent comes with it�s own barriers. If I ended up pregnant, I would embrace parenthood with all that is in me, but to systematically create a child to be raised in that environment is just not smart. Adoption is an option and something I would consider even if I was able to become pregnant. But financially, it�s really not an option for me right now. Orange County is an expensive place to live. I find it difficult to support myself with the money that I earn. Right now, it�s not an option.
So the first vision of the life that I want must get thrown out the window. It�s not that I can�t achieve it or won�t ever achieve it. It�s that I have to let go of it because it�s not something I can just MAKE happen. It�s simply not very feasible.
And that leaves me with vision number 2. A new career path.
It's the job I would have that would be more than a job to me. It's the kind of job where it wouldn't really feel like work. And whenever I think about it, there's this "sigh" kind of feeling, because it feels unattainable. It would require me to go back to school to get a Master's at a minimum, preferably a PhD. The road to do this just seemed too long. I couldn't figure out how to afford the schooling, plus how would I do it and work full time.
The dream job for me is to become a licensed therapist. I can do it with a Master's but a PhD would be preferable and the ultimate goal. But how to go back to school and get a Master's? Master's degrees cost 20K and up. Plus the time. And I'm already 37, it just feels too late to make such a big change. But the more I've thought about it, the more I really want it. It's the job that will make the difference for me between living a life and loving my life. It's the job that will make everything okay, that will make me feel proud to be who I am.
Right now, being single, living with my family, it makes me feel like a failure, like people would look at my life and pity me. I feel the constant and unspoken questions among my family. The rest of my generation are all successful (or at least appear that way on the outside). They own homes. They are married. They have children. They have careers. I compare that to my life and I feel inadequate. I feel like I haven't lived up to my potential. And it makes me sad. I know most of this is just an internal dialogue. The world scrutinizes my life far less than I think it does. But I have to live with the internal critic and she is not happy.
But how... how to make this change. That was the big question. And then it finally hit me. I found a program that is online, where it's geared for a working professional. You take one class a month. The program is about 2 years depending on how fast I want to go.
The next question is money. Where would I come up with $20,000 to pay for this? And then I realized. I can take a loan from my 401k to pay for it. The dream is finally in my reach. It will mean that I have to live with my parents for the next 3 years. It will mean that I won't have a lot of free time or free money. But at the end of those 3 years, not only will that loan be paid off, I will have a Master's Degree. I will have a new career. I will have a new life. It's the first time in years I've been excited about my life and where it's going.
Because suddenly, the way I view my life, the way I view myself is different. I'm no longer living with my parents because I'm a loser. I'm no longer single because I'm a loser. I am single and living with my parents because I'm actively pursuing my dream. And at the end of it, if I'm a single, childless 42 year old (this is assuming it takes more than 3 years to actually make this happen � you know, sometimes LIFE happens in the midst of our plans), I won't have to be embarrassed about that. Because I'll be a 42 year old with a Master's Degree who is a licensed therapist! Something I can be proud of. And it will be a way to make more money doing a job I will love. Plus, when I make more money, I can afford to live on my own and start being a foster parent and then adopting. So suddenly, I can have a great life that doesn't involve anyone else and fulfills all of my dreams. And that is the best feeling of all.
I don't know if I'm making sense about why this is so great for me, but it changes everything for me, how I feel inside, how I feel about where I've ended up. It gives me hope for the first time. When I was a child, it seemed all I ever really wanted out of life was to be a wife and mother. And I haven't been able to make that happen and don't know if I will make that happen. But here is a chance to do something that excites me just as much. It's not how I would have planned life to go, but it might be even better.
