I make the best decisions in the middle of the night. And I�m not talking about �I should sell all my possessions and move to North Africa and live amongst the elephants� decisions. I mean real honest face-the-truth of my life decisions. Resolutions I suppose they would be called. And when I look at the clock at 1 AM and see that I�m still awake, that morning will come way too soon, that I will have a very long day to get through on very little sleep, it all seems so clear. The solutions, the answers. And I feel so strong. So resolved. So determined. I can do this, I think, whatever the �THIS� is this time. I create the best diet plans, the best budgets, the best dreams for my future. Really, they are the best decisions.
The problem is, that when morning arrives and the gray of night dissipates and surrenders to the sun so too does my resolve and determination. My emotions take over. The emotions that lead me to wrong decision after wrong decision. The emotions that get in the way and push me into the doorframes I am trying to walk neatly through. They are so real and alive. They are like crying babies that wake me in the night with their screams of hunger. And they demand to be fed. They grow strong and flourish on the meals of my bad decisions. I spoon feed them and give them the best of me. They grow stronger. I simply grow older and more callused.
I would like to be specific about the decisions I wrestle with tonight. The problem is that I�ll be embarrassed when I don�t keep them. And I�ve already resolved to fail. Besides, sharing the problem doesn�t fix it. Right now, it feels broken beyond repair. I feel broken beyond repair.
