I have the oddest sensation� It feels like someone scooped out my abdomen like a punkin� and then scorched the resulting surface� It�s an actual physical sensation, like your mouth feels the day after burning the roof of your mouth on pizza. It�s a hollow feeling but at the same time, feels like a day old burn. I don�t understand it. It�s been like this for a few weeks. I don�t know if it�s just some kind of oddity or if it means something is really wrong.
Self-discovery is good and all. I believe in it wholeheartedly. Until I occasionally discover that I don�t like myself. And it�s not the teenage angst �woe is me� kind of stuff. There are reasons I don�t like myself. Reasons why I am more angry at myself than anyone else in the world. Reasons that, perhaps, I feel burned inside.
The first paragraph was written two days ago. I had more to say but then kind of got distracted by the disaster taking over our country. So it just sort of sat here, in an unfinished word document. Until now. Until tonight. I�m upset with a lot of things but mostly upset at myself. Sometimes I just don�t know how I became this girl.
I don�t really want to get into details right now. I don�t know if its because I�m too embarrassed or because in the light of day, and after a brief respite from the shocking news that's going on in the southern part of our nation, this will all seem so ridiculous and I�ll be ashamed of what I�ve written, but for now, that�s all I can say. Writing it helps, it keeps the tears from falling too hard.
It would all be okay if I could sleep. I haven�t slept really well in a while. I have an ambien prescription but I don�t want to become addicted to that too. The more I use it, the less effective it is and the more I need just to get a couple of hours sleep. I really try not to take it on the weekends. This week, I found myself taking 2 pills to fall asleep for 3-4 hours when I used to take � a pill and sleep all night. So I�m try not to take it on weekends when I know I can handle a little fatigue, or at least sleep in the next morning if I�m up all night.
So, instead of sleeping, I�m awake, trapped in a dark room with my stupid mind. And fucking self-discovery. Or self-realization. Maybe I�m just finally telling myself the truth. Fuck it. I�m going to go read a book, that always distracts me.
