Think of those epic battle scenes � scenes from movies like Braveheart, The Last Samurai, The Patriot � scenes where soldiers are just swinging and fighting and it�s chaotic. It�s almost like watching boiling water. There�s all this fierce energy, movement, frenzy. Last night, it felt like these battles were going on inside of my body, right beneath the surface of my skin. I had millions of soldiers, primitive in their weaponry, engaged in hand-to-hand combat, fighting their battle right under my skin. Occasionally, a soldier would poke at my skin with his sword, trying to break free. But my hide was thick. They had to battle it out inside of me.
All of these emotions � emotions I cannot name, emotions I refuse to name, emotions I refuse to admit I feel � were battling inside of me. To let them out was a risk I could not take. I knew of no healthy way to manage them. To let them out would be to have regrets. I would not have been in control and would have done and/or said things I would regret. I simply could not go there. So I kept them all chained inside, forcing them to duke it out inside of me. I could only lie on the bed, feeling the battle going on, and resist. I wanted to turn it all off. I wanted to be numb. Instead, I had to just lay there and hope it would pass.
I know there are healthy ways to deal with emotions. The problem is, when they are that strong, I am no longer rational. I either don�t want to do the things I know would help, or I am totally incapable of doing them. So instead, I force myself to be still. I look so calm and peaceful on the outside. Inside, it�s Armageddon.
