Wow Diaryland, that was some crash. I have finally gotten all of my images back on line. Truth is, it seemed daunting but it was really easy. I just had to figure out which pictures I had originally uploaded, reload them and they were already linked.
My weekend was nice. Saturday I went to a card party in the afternoon. That guy Sam (remember me talking about him?) was down from the bay area and I was supposed to go to dinner with him in the evening, but I just wasn't feeling it. What I really wanted to do was lay around and watch movies. I have barely talked to him in weeks and just wasn't feeling like I wanted to invest in a relationship with a very busy guy who lives 400 miles away. It just didn't make any sense to me. Especially not when I seem to be meeting a lot of great local men. So I told him something came up with my family and spent the evening watching movies instead.
What movies did I watch (you may be asking yourself)? I watched Harold and Kumar go to White Castle (stupid movie but I actually enjoyed it and got a few tidbits out of it) and I Heart Huckabees (which was a strange movie and I also enjoyed). I think the Harold and Kumar movie has the potential to be a drunken classic... and the I Heart Huckabees is a movie I think I'm going to need to see a few times to really absorb it.
Sunday morning, I met Nathan (the anti-Brian) for lunch. I enjoyed meeting him and like him, but may like him a tad bit less after meeting him. Don't know if it's just Janet and her fear of commitment/getting hurt or what. So I'm not really listening to that part of me and still planning on getting to know him better. We both talked about our need to go slow and just build a friendship before jumping in to a relationship so at least on paper we seem to be on the same page. In fact though, he's a bit overwhelming. He calls me constantly and wants to have daily 2 hour phone conversations. I love talking to him, but I don't have a spare 2 hours a day. It's funny, being with Brian, I've just gotten used to having a lot of time to myself. And now I've gotten to the point where I need it. I don't want to enter any relationship and be overwhelmed by it. I want to have Janet time and time for friends and time for family.
This weekend, he had his son so I (in my head) planned that we wouldn't really be able to talk much and wouldn't be able to see each other. I was totally okay with that. So it turned out that he still wanted to talk on the phone a bit. I had told him that he should call me since he knows when it is a good time with Stephen (like when Stephen is napping or occupied, etc). He called Saturday in the middle of the card party so I told him hey it's not a good time for me, call back later. He called back 5 minutes later and said, well I don't know when it will be a good time for you, when should I call you. That just seemed weird. Well, generally it would mean wait a few hours. Like he just stressed too much about it... Then we met yesterday and he knew that I was going to see Lion King at night and I was kind of squeezing him in, but then kind of got weird that I couldn't spend more time with him. I had thought the play was at 7:30 but it turned out to start at 6:30 and we were going to dinner first, so I told him I couldn't stay as late as we had talked. He just got kind of weird and said he was disappointed because he had expected to spend more time with me. I just told him, hey, I wasn't planning to see you at all this weekend since you had Stephen so consider this a bonus. And I told him there'd be plenty more time to see each other later.
I guess it's strange. I mean, before Brian, I would have welcomed men like this (like Gil, Jim, Nathan). Men that just can't get enough of my presence, men that want to talk to me daily, 2 or more times a day, have constant contact. But after Brian, I'm really more independent. I guess I want something more in the middle. Like, we can touch base every day, but it doesn't have to be a marathon conversation every time we talk. And I think it's good to see each other at least once a week, but if life doesn't permit that, it's okay too. I don't know, the whole thing just confuses me even more. So I think I need to keep it casual, date a few people for a few months (like at least until June), then take stock and see where I'm at and who is still around. If I haven't met anyone I really like through Yahoo personals by June, then I'll go the e-harmony route. I guess I can always change plans mid-stream if I want, but it's becoming quite clear to me that I'm really not ready for a one-on-one relationship just yet.
I think the relationship attentive thing would not have bothered me 2 years ago. But after dating Brian, I really had to create my own life and now I really value not just my time with my friends, but my time alone. I am wondering if maybe I'm just not ready for dating. I like the sex, I like going out and having fun, but I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to giving away a certain amount of my time each day/week. Who knows, I just need to take each day as it comes. I mean, with Nathan, we've had great conversations and I really enjoy talking to him, I just feel like he's disappointed when I CAN'T talk and I don't want to feel that way. I don't mind a quick "hi how're you doing" on a daily basis with longer phone calls every couple of days, but I can't do it daily, I don't have enough time in my day as it is. The attention is nice and at least I know he gives a shit, that he's interested and he cares. And he and I talked right from the start that we just want to be real and not have to play by any stupid games or rules, so I gave him permission to call me whenever he wants. And it's not the phone calls that I mind, it's the feeling that each of them has to be a long conversation.
I've been REALLY tired the last couple of weeks. I thought it was just getting over the jet-lag from San Antonio, and then I thought it had more to do with having a cold, but I'm still really tired. I could seriously sleep all damn day. AND, that weird pain in my side is back, plus my pee smells weird. So I made an appointment to see my doctor to pee in a cup and get rechecked. I don't know whether to hope that something is wrong (to explain the pain in my side) or to hope that nothing is wrong. It's so strange, because I don't feel as overwhelmed by life this year as I did last year, but it sure hasn't been a walk in the park either, at least not physically. Oh well, attitude is everything, right?
So that�s what�s new for Janet.
