I can�t believe what I just did.
I was working on a PowerPoint presentation for a training I�m giving tomorrow morning. I�d probably spent about an hour working on it and then went off to work on some other things. I left it open on my desktop.
So, I�m back at my desk and answering some questions about a new voicemail system that went live today. I open the PowerPoint for the voicemail presentation to answer a few questions. I finish. I close PowerPoint. I forget that I have an unsaved presentation. I say �no thanks� when it asks me do I want to save the changes (since I figure, well, I didn�t make any changes to that voicemail presentation). After PowerPoint closes, I suddenly remember my other UNSAVED presentation. Gone. It�s all gone. I have to start back from scratch.
Some days, I could just kick myself.
I haven�t updated in a while. Mostly because nothing really is happening in my life. I have been getting better but my energy level is still really low. Basically, I get off work, go home, watch an hour or two of TV and go to bed. I am just living the high life here. I am starting to feel like I might be getting sick again. I just don�t feel like myself and I�m starting to have that abdominal pain again, but no fever so it might just be lingering stuff.
I have decided that if I do suffer a relapse, I�m just going to let it kill me. I�m tired of my life. I toss and turn between hopefulness and despair. The hopefulness seems to take so much energy. I look at my life and wonder what it�s all about. I feel like I have nothing to show for my 36+ years on the planet. I have no victories to shout about. No major life events to rejoice. I�m a 36 year old single woman, floundering in her career, living with her parents, driving a 10 year old car that breaks down all the time, no children� I hate admitting all of that. But it�s the truth. That�s my life.
But tomorrow is a new day. And I get glimmers of hope and think, okay, I can do this. It just takes so much energy to round up that hope and keep it from running amok on me. Wipes me out and makes me want to curl up in bed.
On the Brian front, I don�t really know what�s going to happen there. It�s hard for me to talk about because it�s not a situation that makes sense to anyone who doesn�t know him or know what he�s been through. Yes, he is a shit right now. But we all have shit moments. If people gave up on me every time I went to shit (which is often) then it�d be over for me long ago. I�m grateful for the people who stuck around to see me through it. But I don�t know how much longer I can stick around. I�ve been on the verge of breaking up with him a million times. We went out one night to have a conversation about it. We skirted around the issue but didn�t do it. What do you say to a man who says �I�m so afraid I�ll never get better (from the PTSD) and that you�re going to dump me�. I hesitate to talk about our relationship here because I think people are judging him and deciding what kind of person he is based on what I write. This is just my place to vent. I don�t talk about all the good things, or the times he makes me happy (though admittedly, few and far between these days). And there are stories he�s told me about what�s happened to him that I can�t repeat. He wasn�t even supposed to talk about it with me. I know the man he used to be. I�ve known him for over 4 years. I know the man he has the potential to be again. But it�s just a gamble waiting to see if/when he�ll get better. And in the meantime, our relationship is a mess. So, I don�t know what�s going to happen here. All I know is that it really is my choice and if I�m still in the relationship, it�s because that�s what I want. Because if I wanted out, I�d already be out.
Our air conditioning has been broken here at work, and yeah, it is February, but it IS California, so we have been having a bit of a warm spell. Actually, today it�s cool outside (cool for California) but inside the building it�s sweltering. All these people and computers cranking out the heat, it gets unbearable. Makes me so tired I feel like I need a nap.
I better get back to that PowerPoint. I�m so mad at myself for deleting it.
