So last night, I had this strange dream. I�m just going to share one tiny piece of it because I think it�s really funny (and actually, it�s the only part I remember). I was in a grocery store looking for candy. I found this variety bag with Boston Baked Beans and 2 other candies. I had thought that the other candies would be lemon heads and maybe cherry sours or something (as they are made by the same company). Instead, the other choices were cheerios (um, who cares about cheerios when you�re buying candy?) and diaryland candy. Yes, diaryland candy. The little boxes had the diaryland image on them. And in case you are wondering what they tasted like, they tasted like cinnamon toast crunch. Weird.
So my line dancing class was a blast. The first dance was pretty easy and I picked it up quickly. I was all cocky and confident, planning my triumph in the next line-dancing contest. And then we learned the 2nd dance. The whole night, I NEVER got the 2nd dance. I only got through the first rotation of it about 2 times. I never made it past the 2nd rotation. So then I was all insecure. To me, it seemed like everyone else was getting it but it turns out they were just faking it. I remembered the steps, just could never get my body to do them. So I practiced yesterday and I was finally starting to get it. A few more practices and I should be fine. It was great to get out of the house for an evening. I am way too much of a homebody sometimes. This year needs to be different. And that means it has to start now.
In regards to that�having a different year and doing things differently right from the start�I went to the gym last night. I feel good about things because the dance class was a workout and then the gym last night was a workout. I�m going to start slow and work on building up my endurance. I�ve also decided to only do cardio for the first 6 weeks and not do any weight training. I need to get a good routine going for cardio and I also want to lose some fat before I start building muscle.
I really would like to work specifically on my lower body, as it�s significantly bigger than my top, basically a whole size larger or more. On top, I am wearing some Larges (large, imagine that, no X in front of it. I don�t know if I�ve ever worn larges, at least not since elementary school) and mostly extra large. I can shop in the regular departments and some things in the junior department. With my bottom half, I wear a 16 or 18 depending on the material (stretch vs. non-stretch) and the cut. For pants/shorts/skirts, I need to shop in the women�s department still. So I can�t really buy an outfit since I have to shop in two different departments or stores. In bottoms, I�m really more comfortable shopping at Lane Bryant because a) I like their styles and b) I�m confident that they will fit. When I have purchased bottoms at other retailers, they fit weird, like the manufacturer is not really sure how to cut for a large size body. I usually end up with extra room in the crotch (in case I want to wear a dildo and pretend to be a man) and/or a waistband that is too large and gaps out. In tops, most of the smallest size at Lane Bryant are really too big. Occasionally one fits, but for the most part they are too big. So I can�t even really buy my tops and bottoms at the same store. It sounds like it frustrates me, but really, I�ll take this frustration any day over not being able to fit into clothes anywhere.
I�ve talked to a friend here at work who knows a lot about fitness and he�s given me some tips on how to work my lower body to help reduce it. Because of this, I probably will try not to do too much with my upper body for a while. Plus, I think my hernia is still healing and I don�t want to injure it. I may put my upper body on hold until next year. I guess I�ll just have to see how I do throughout the year, how much I accomplish, etc.
I�m excited about working out again. I feel so much better when I have regular workouts and really, it�s been a long time since I�ve worked out with any regularity (like waaaay pre-surgery days). I know that it�s typical for me to start strong and then fizzle out so hopefully that�s not going to happen this time. I think one of the things that will help this time is a) I�m really motivated. I want to be under 200 pounds so bad I dream about it. It�s almost all I think about. And since I�m so close, it really feels like I can do it. When I was above 220, it felt a lot farther away b) I have a lot more energy and less pain these days so it�s easier to work out and c) I am really afraid that if I don�t get started on a new lifestyle, I will gain all my weight back. That just CANNOT happen.
Tonight when I get home, I plan on starting my running training. My ultimate fitness goal is to be a runner. The rest is just to support that goal. Well, I guess that�s not true. I have 2 fitness goals. To run (right now my goal is just 1 mile of continuous running, but eventually I�d like to take it to a 5K and beyond and starting now, I may be able to do the half-marathon this year � it�s in December. I probably won�t be able to run the whole way, but I will at least be able to run a significant amount with walking breaks) and to lose weight and tone my lower body. I can focus on my upper body another year. Since I suck at running right now (like I get out of breath after only a few paces) I really need to build my endurance. Any ideas? My plan is to do this: walk 100 steps, run 100 steps, walk 100 steps, etc for 2 miles. Then after a few days of that, I�ll run 150 steps and walk 100 steps. I�ll keep increasing the duration of my running and lowering the duration of my walking and pretty soon, I�ll be able to run the full mile. Whatcha think? Runners out there, will this work?
I�m really obsessed with my face. I looked at my before picture the other day and I was really struck by how swollen my face looked. It so weird to look in the mirror and see check bones, a chin, real definition. Tuesday night, at the dance class, you have to dance in front of a mirror and since I was in front, I got a good look at myself. I wasn�t embarrassed or self-conscious. Not once did I think, oh my god, everyone is watching my fat body. I wasn�t even feeling fat. And when I looked in the mirror, I felt normal. Like the big side of normal, but normal. I like being normal! Now when I can shop in the regular department for my bottom half, that will really be my victory. I was going to post some pictures of my before and after face, but I�m at work and can�t get to them, so it�ll have to wait until I get home.
Right now, I weigh 213 on the doctor�s scale and 210 on the home scale. The last time I was this weight was 1987. 17 years ago. And I�m wearing mostly size 16 on the bottom. When I was in 7th grade, I wore 18�s. I haven�t been this size since BEFORE junior high. When I get below 200, I�ll be at a weight I haven�t seen since 7th grade as well. Even 2 years out from the surgery, it�s still so exciting to me.
On the Brian front, as planned we haven�t talked all week. And I haven�t really missed it (I guess that�s a sign, eh?). I mean, I miss HIM, but I haven�t been frantic all day wishing I could call. It�s like all the pressure is gone. I don�t have the stress of waiting to hear from him, hoping to hear from him, wondering if I�m going to see him. I�m so much more relaxed and happy right now. It also could be partly due to the medication as I have now been on the Wellbutrin for 3 weeks. I�m not going to say it�s ALL medication, because I know the relationship was stressing me out. I won�t know what it all means until we talk next week. A lot of what happens will depend on him and how he responds. If he�s not willing to put a little more effort in to it, then it has to be over. I realize (intellectually at least) that the things I love about him, the things I�ll miss, I�ll be able to find in someone else. I just hope it�s an easy journey to that place.
Okay, I better get back to work. There�s this supervisor who keeps asking me for a training piece that I�m updating. The funny thing is she doesn�t really need it because everyone in her unit is already trained on it. She just keeps asking me (via e-mail and CC�ing the other managers) to make me look bad. I really hate office politics. It sucks.
