nightmares
2004-11-09, 8:41 a.m.

Do you remember when you were a child and you would wake up from a nightmare? That feeling of being so scared, so alone, so panicked that you were afraid to get out of bed� that feeling where you were certain there was someone waiting for you under your bed, behind your closet door, lurking in every shadow� that feeling where you feel safest with your heavy comforter wrapped around your body (as if a couple layers of fabric would really save you from some evil prowler). That panicky, frightened feeling in your gut.
I remember this one nightmare I had when I was 6 years old. In the nightmare, I was in my bedroom looking out into the back yard. My parents were sitting at a picnic table eating dinner. I was supposed to be out there with them but I had come inside for something. I watched as the indians amassed at the back gate in the alley, and then I saw the cowboys coming in from the side yard. Soon, they were shooting at each other, the indians with their bows and arrows, the cowboys with their guns. (How clich� is that? Cowboys and indians!) Soon, my dad got caught in the crossfire and was hit with an arrow. I remember the horror of watching my family being slaughtered, feeling so helpless, unable to help. I wanted to run into the back yard to save them. Soon after that, the zero men (this is what they were called in the dream, they probably looked a bit like Zorro, with the hats and eye coverings, they also had black and white targets on their chests) showed up and killed all the cowboys and indians. But it was too late, my dad was dead.
When I woke up that night, I carried with me the horror of watching my father slaughtered, pointlessly. The cowboys and indians weren�t mad at us, we were just in the way. At six, the only solution to a nightmare is to go into your parents room. I woke my mom up. My mom�s solution to a nightmare � �think of things that make you happy.� �Like what?�, �Like Christmas, your birthday.� So I would trot back to bed, hopping carefully past the invisible hands that reached out under my bed to grab me, and would quickly fill my little head with thoughts of Santa Claus, Christmas morning, cookies and hugs. I would eventually drift back to sleep.
I�m 36 years old. But last night at 2 AM, I could have been 6 again.
In my dream/nightmare, I was on the run with a baby. I really don�t know if the baby was mine or if I was just in charge of her. Everyone in town was on some kind of exodus, as if there was a giant tidal wave or hurricane headed to town and we needed to split pronto. We kept trying to find a place of refuge but bad people (they never have a real name in my dreams, they�re always just �they�, �them� or the �bad people�) kept chasing us and finding us wherever we were staying. I remember at one point, going back to my own house (I think, I don�t remember actually reaching wherever I was going, just going to and from the place) and I ran into these 2 blonde teenage girls who were part of the crew chasing us. They were swimming in a jacuzzi and I went over to talk to them and ask them why they were chasing us. They wouldn�t answer me, but kept coming at me. They had giant claws for fingernails and they dug them into my arms, they were trying to pull me in the water and they were trying to claw my eyes out. Their own eyes were bleeding. I managed to get away and get back to the house where I left the baby. I knew we needed to leave and so I was trying to pack all of our essentials. I was hurrying because I felt like someone was going to show up any minute. I remember looking at the cat on the porch and I realized that the cat was connected to the bad people and was telling them where we were. I woke up right after this.
I woke up with a start and a sense of fear. I looked around my room and felt like strangers were lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on me. I realized I had to pee but was too afraid to get out of bed because I felt like hands were going to grab me from under the bed. I didn�t even want to take my blankets off. I was afraid to open my eyes and look around, afraid at what I might see hiding in my room. I finally convinced myself to go to the bathroom, because I knew I�d never fall back to sleep if I didn�t. And sleep was the only thing that was going to rescue me. As I opened my bedroom door and slipped into the hallway, I was again afraid of what, or who, might be lurking and waiting out there for me. When I got back to bed, I quickly covered up with a blanket. I thought about calling B, but no one wants a 2 AM phone call just to talk a 36 year old woman through a nightmare. How ridiculous. So I remembered the sage advice of my mom � �Think happy thoughts� � and I did my best to remember the feel of B�s hand on my neck, the smile on his face, the talk of the future. I eventually drifted back to sleep.
I don�t know what the dream meant or represented for me. I just know that if made me feel 6 again, and not in the happy nostalgic way. In the helpless and scared and all alone way.

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