If you get free scones, it's a good day
2004-11-04, 1:09 p.m.

Been a crazy few days. Partly because I�m crazy myself and partly because life itself is crazy.
Sometimes, it�s so taxing being bi-polar. The mood swings are just insane (literally and figuratively). It takes so much out of me to be so low I want to die and crying so hard that my stomach muscles ache for days. Then two days later (or two hours sometimes), I�m flying like a kite and feeling like I could take on the world. It�s draining. But I have to ride the roller coaster. It�s my life, the only one I�ve got. I have started a new medication so hopefully that will help.
The good part about all that crying is I got it out of the way. All last week I was on the verge of tears, mourning the loss of my friend. But by Saturday morning, I was all cried out and I haven�t felt the need for tears since then.
When I woke up Saturday morning, I still felt this sense of loss (and anger) but it was more distant, not piercing my soul and hurting me so deeply. And within that loss and anger, I felt relaxed, cleansed. It was almost a feeling of renewal. And I was proud of myself. Because I�ve realized that the times I have hurt myself, it was never because I was angry at myself, but always because I was angry at someone else (or some situation). So if I wasn�t mad at myself why was I taking it out on myself? So I felt some pride for not hurting myself on Friday night. I was so hurt and so angry and I wanted to hurt myself. But I didn�t.
By Saturday night, life was pretty much back to normal. It�s strange because when my mood drops, it seems to drop so far, but like a bungee jumper, it springs back up so quickly. I can�t explain it. Whereas I�m glad I don�t spend days/weeks/months in the pit of a depression, it is taxing emotionally to be up and down so much. Besides, friends and diary-readers can�t keep up with it either. Ah, to be young and bi-polar. (Is 36 still considered young? I mean, what�s middle age these days?)
Onward.
So, workwise, this week has been a bit crazy. My boss was sent home on �leave� on Tuesday. By Wednesday afternoon, my team was pulled into a meeting with our boss�s boss where we were informed that he will not be returning. I knew why but some didn�t. Some knew only parts of the story and I didn�t really know the whole story myself, but I knew a good part of it. I have mentioned before that I had to turn him in for harrassment (sexual and other types) back in late June/early July. So supposedly they were counseling him and sending him to classes and working with him and such and such. But I was still hearing comments that I considered inappropriate. I had tired of the fight. I no longer cared if he was still my boss, I just didn�t want to hear these comments. So a week ago, I went in to HR for our follow-up to see how things were going and I told her that there were still things being said and that I just wanted her to make it stop. From there, she went and interviewed other people and turns out other people were hearing things even WORSE than what I was hearing. A full investigation was launched. Statements were signed. And that was the end of my boss.
A part of me feels guilty. A man lost his job. His life is turned upside down and it all started with me. But it�s not my fault. And he�s an adult who knew he was being watched, who had already been written up for inappropriate comments and yet continued to do and say whatever he wanted. It�s his own fault for being unable or unwilling to SHUT HIS DAMN MOUTH!
Tuesday was just insane, sitting next to him, wondering when they were going to call him on the carpet. I ended up going home sick and wasn�t around when he got called in, and I am so glad for that. By the time I came back to work yesterday, he was gone. By the end of the day, we were informed we had a new interim boss. By today, his desk was emptied of all personal belongings.
Last night I went out with B. I know I mentioned our break up here but I never really mentioned we are back together, at least not in so many words. It was a gradual thing. I only went out with the frenchman a few times and realized that I wasn�t ready for dating anyone else. And soon after that, we just sort of gravitated back to each other. So there you have it. In early October, he began his transformation back into the man I fell in love with. He still carries some demons but at least we are committed to working things out together. He�s started talking about �us� in a future tense again, which is always nice too. He has his faults, he�s the first to admit he�s not perfect. But despite his faults, he is a good man, and for whatever reason, we are very compatible. He�s juggling a lot right now (just took custody of his nephew because of physical abuse) and he�s still finding ways to make me feel special. We aren�t perfect and I�m not saying we�re going to be together forever. But we�re together now, and there are reasons why we both want this to work.
I�m in countdown mode for my vacation. Only 17 more days to go!
In other news, I got to work this morning, came in the building and had to turn around and go back home. Seems that when I was getting out of the car this morning, I ripped the seat of my pants. Not a tiny rip either, probably about a foot and a half, starting at about an inch below the waistband and ending about 3-4 inches down my leg. Yes, folks, my WHOLE right ASS CHEEK was hanging out. Thank god I wasn�t wearing a thong today. And thanks to the lovely co-worker who informed me of this so I could go home and cover up.
In other other news, I got free scones this morning. I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a cheesecake for a work potluck. They had these bite size caramel toffee scones for $2.99. They sounded really good so I bought them. When they rang up at the register, they rang up for $3.99. I pointed this out to the checker and said, oh, on the package I thought they said $2.99. She said, oh they do, you�re right and then she said, well, now you get them for free.
So, the moral of this story: no matter what happens, if you get free scones, it�s a good day.

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