Physically I�m exhausted. I should totally be asleep. Yet I�m awake. I�m so tired that I don�t even think I have the energy to really express all that I�m feeling but I have to give it a try. And maybe if I write it down, I can let go of it and go to sleep. Everytime I try to fall asleep, I totally get this panic attack and I freak out and then I can�t sleep. And now I associate trying to sleep with the panic attack and then I can�t even be in bed. It�s totally insane. And it has a lot to do with the feeling I have when I wake up from anesthesia, and how much it scares me. And it scares me so much I�m almost afraid to live because what if I need anesthesia again. And I can�t even watch ER, because it�s in a hospital and people there might need anesthesia. And it�s totally insane. Insane. How completely this has taken over my life. For no apparent reason. Surgery number 8, it�s not like I�ve never been through anesthesia before. But for some reason it�s freaking me out this time.
I�ve been thinking a lot about it, and I think it has to do with loss of control. You have no control when you are under anesthesia. You could die, you could fart or pee your pants. Anything could happen. And the same when you fall asleep. Sleeping means giving up control. And right now, it�s scary to me to do that. Because I have so few things within my control. I just ended a relationship. I tried and tried and couldn�t make it work. I didn�t have the control. My father was in the hospital. I have no control over how long he�ll live (though he is doing well right now, home after angioplasty). And then my own surgery. I can�t really control if I will need surgery sometime in the future. I can only hope that I don�t.
So this is why it�s hard to sleep.
And I tried calling a million people to talk myself through the panic. No one answered their phones (and for those of you who live in other states, rest assured, I thought about calling you too but it was past your bedtime in your time zones). So I watched some TV. I drank a Snapple. I laid in bed some more. I goofed around on the computer. I tried to sleep again. I felt the panic setting in several times. Right now, I�m taking some advice I gave to another in a similar situation. I am listening to some soothing music.
There�s a song that, when ever I listen to it, I just get lulled by its melody. And when it ends, I�m always sad that it�s over. So I have a million different versions of this song. And I have them all queued up on the computer. And they are playing. And so far it�s working. I can just lose myself in the song. I will fall asleep.
And that song is Canon in D Major by Pachelbel. God bless the Canon.
