It�s rare to KNOW you are going to break a bone before you break it. Generally, it�s something that happens totally by mistake.
The thing with broken bones is that sometimes they heal and they are stronger than they were before. Sometimes, they heal and they are crooked or there is pain that lingers whenever the weather gets too cold. Sometimes, they require surgery to repair. Sometimes, the bone never heals the same and interferes with daily tasks such as walking, etc. Sometimes, rarely though, the break is so bad and it cannot be repaired. Sometimes, this means the limb has to be amputated. In some cases, depending on where the break occurs�the neck or back for instance � it can cause paralysis or even death.
How well the bone heals depends on how bad it broke. It�s different with a fracture. They usually heal pretty well and as the scar tissue forms, the bone becomes stronger than before. But they can leave lingering pain, aching when the weather turns cold. When the break occurs, it�s hard to know what�s going to happen in the future. You just feel the pain of the moment.
Sometimes the break is inevitable. And I could have imagined it a million ways but it wouldn�t have been like it happened. I couldn�t have pictured us sitting in a booth at a semi-fast food Mexican restaurant, distracting myself by pretending to watch the baseball games on the TV, trying not to cry. There I was staring around the room, looking anywhere but in his eyes. There he was, cracking jokes to try to break the tension. Then we talked about nonsense so I wouldn�t break down crying in a room full of strangers. The real break happened out by the car. He said he didn�t know the answer. I said I did. But then I couldn�t say it because if I tried to talk I�d just break down. I told him I�d e-mail him. But he didn�t hear me and pressed me for my answers. Voice cracking I said, �you know how to find me if you want to see me and I�ll leave you alone�. I tried so hard not to cry. And he just stood there watching me. I asked him to leave but I didn�t have the breath to say it loud enough to be heard. He said it was for the best. And that it�s not for sure that he�s going to let me get away. He said, I�ll call you tomorrow. I just laughed. �I�ll call you� is one of the phrases that always gets him in trouble, because he says it and doesn�t do it. He said, no, I will. Then he got on his knees to be on the same level as me (I was sitting in my car), put his hand on my knee and said, �I don�t want you to get crazy and hurt yourself. I don�t want to hear about you running your car into a tree. If you feel like you need to do something, call me first, please.� And then I drove away.
I haven�t really cried yet. I�ve been on the verge a few times but the timing just wasn�t right. It�s not a good idea to break down while you are driving. Or at work for that matter. Maybe later. I always tell myself that.
So it�s not yet known what kind of break this is. Right now, it feels more like a fracture. Something that might be able to heal. But that is still to be seen.
