I�m always wondering what it would be like to go back in time and change aspects of my life. I currently weigh 226 (or less now because I haven�t weighed in over a month). The last time I was consistently this weight was 1987. If I could take a trip back in time to 1987 and be this weight with this attitude, I wonder how my life would differ.
Back in 1987, I was a freshman/sophomore in college. I was living in Santa Cruz, CA. My weight fluctuated between about 210 and 223 for most of the year, and I even dipped down to 198 at one point, though I didn�t stay there long.
At that weight, I still thought I was so hideously fat and so insanely ugly. And to me, at the time, fat = ugly. I don�t believe this now, but I definitely believed it then. The idea that a man could be attracted to me was simply unfathomable. And I wouldn�t even consider getting my hopes up because it would lead to getting my heart crushed. The idea of rejection was so painful that actual rejection never had a chance. I think that at 19-20 years old, weighing 220ish, I felt as fat as when I weighed 366. But at 366 I had more confidence. Go figure.
In spring of my sophomore year, 1988, I took an advanced french class. We met for 8 hours a week and covered French 2 and French 3 in 10 weeks (1 quarter). It was intense. There was this boy in the class. I think his name was Tim, but I don�t really remember, so let�s call him Tim. Tim was a cutey, he had curly brown hair and beautiful green eyes. Tim was very secure with himself and even occasionally wore a kilt. A boy in a skirt! Well, in Santa Cruz, anything goes, so it wasn�t THAT strange. Every so often, in the middle of class, I would look up from textbook to find Tim staring at me. He would smile when I made eye contact. He had a beautiful smile. I would smile back.
It never went past the smiling though I thought that possibly, he maybe, might actually think I was cool. I think he liked me. Well, during the 1 or 2 seconds I allowed myself to believe that someone MIGHT like me, I believed that. The rest of the time, I just thought there was no way anyone would find me attractive and I would tell myself he was just being friendly.
Imagine, if I could take my current confidence and go back to that classroom, go back to the days of �Parlez-vous Francais� and go back to my days in the blue gumball apartment. If I could be this Janet in that Janet�s body, I wonder what life would have been like. I wonder how different my life would be � would I still be single at 36? Would I have dated so many losers? Would I be happier with my life, even if I was single? Would I spend journal entry after journal entry bemoaning my regrets? I think I would have gone out with Tim. And I bet I would have kissed him. A french kiss, of course.
In addition, I would like to relive my sophomore year as someone who has been diagnosed and was being treated for bi-polar. Oh how different life would be. I might not have pushed so many people out of my life by sheer life-sucking need. I might have actually had a social life. I am sure it would have improved my confidence.
But where would I be now, and who would be in my life? It�s a question none of us ever get to know.
