There�s just not much exciting going on here. I could choose to whine about the same things day after day. The issues are still there. The problems. The drama. I�m trying not to be a whiner. I just feel right now like there�s no �safe place�. I have no area of my life that�s working right. No place to relax. I have work to do in every area. I�m currently performing all of the following: looking for a new job, looking for a place to live (lease is up in May, which will arrive sooner than I think), trying to get my finances in order after the big hit (the $2000 car repair), trying to figure out my relationship with TheSpaceCowboy, trying to find a way to be happy, trying to stay alive, trying not to hurt myself, trying to get my eating under control, trying to get back into a workout routine, trying to amaze my bosses. It�s a very �trying� time.
But here are a few things that are very amazing to me:
I am totally obsessed with my bones. I lie in bed at night feeling my hip bones, my rib cage, my collar bones. I don�t know if I�ve ever really felt them before. I had no idea how they were shaped. It makes me feel very skinny to feel them. I am far from skinny. But I�ll take whatever I can get.
I am still amazed to put clothes on and find them getting baggy. It�s incredible to put on something that used to be tight and now, not only does it fit, but there�s extra room. I can�t even explain it. It�s like a little gift every time I get dressed.
Enough amazement for one day.
My portion of the company I work for has had a casual dress code for about 3 years. Prior to that, you could buy casual days for $1 a day as a way for departments to raise money for activities. So for the last 5 years, it�s been jeans, tennis shoes, etc. It�s been great. I mean, you could always dress up, but you didn�t have to. Made it much easier in the morning, especially on days when you don�t feel your best. But not every one could understand that jeans and tennis shoes doesn�t mean come to work in your pajamas or show off your entire body with a micro mini. They�ve slowly been working on this. First change was that we had to dress up on occasion when we would have broker tours. These would occur 1 to 2 times a month. No big deal. Now they�ve just announced that all exempt (or salaried) staff has to dress business casual everyday but Friday. So no more jeans and tennis shoes except on Friday. This is going to be hard. I am so used to waking up and being able to put on anything I want (within reason). I have enough clothes, it�s just that I�m going to miss the jeans option.
Prior to my weight loss, I actually needed to wear tennis shoes almost every day. My joints were so bad that it hurt to wear anything else. My knees would just be aching by the end of the day. Prior to our casual dress code, I had a note from my doctor to allow me to wear tennis shoes on a daily basis. Since the institution of the casual dress code, it really hasn�t been a problem. And now, losing 134 pounds, I find that I only wear the tennis shoes once per week, if at all. So that part is great. And if it became a problem, I could get another note from my doctor. But I�m not expecting problems. I think I just liked that I had the option. Even though I rarely wore tennis shoes anymore, it was just nice to know that I COULD.
So, I have spent my afternoon trying on business clothes. My friend Char has lost about 90 pounds and has gone from a size 22 to a size 10. She looks amazing. She passed a lot of her business/professional clothes down to me. Most of what I have from her are sizes 18 or 16, so I tried them all on for the first time to see what fits. It all fits. Which is great, because I won�t have to go buy too many new clothes. (Oh, don�t get me wrong, I�ll still take the excuse to go shopping a bit!) So I have 2 suits, 2 blazers, 3 pairs of dress pants, in addition to my more casual pants (non-jeans) and sweaters and shirts. I�m in good shape. No worries. Actually, this whole dress code thing actually helps me out in a weird way. One of the reasons I�ve been wanting to stay in my job is that I didn�t want to give up the casual dress. But now that�s not a concern. I can feel free to work in other parts of the company or even other companies. It doesn�t matter anymore. My company is still a business casual dress, so it�s not like I have to wear suits every day, but I can�t wear jeans, tennis shoes, t-shirts, capris, etc. Well, on Friday�s I still can. Man, I have so many jeans now too! Oh well. Life goes on.
In addition to everything else going on in my life, I think I�m having a mild lupus flare up. My joints have been very sore lately and I�ve been extremely tired. The other day, I was lying on my stomach on the bed. The 7 pound cat was walking across me and when she walked on my right hip, the pain was excruciating. A 7 pound cat should not hurt that much! And then a few days ago, the knuckles and joints in my right hand have started to hurt very badly. In fact, one morning, I couldn�t even rest my hand on my leg, the pressure hurt the thumb joint too much. There�s not really much I can do. I�m unwilling to go on steroids for a mild flare-up. Unless a major organ gets involved, or I�m unable to walk because of inflammation, I won�t take steroids. So all I can really do is take anti-inflammatories. Many WLS surgeons don�t allow you to take them because they can irritate the new stomach and cause ulcers, but my surgeon doesn�t seem to have a problem with it. I�ll just try to take them only when I need them. No more, no less. Hopefully, it won�t get worse. I had a really bad flare-up in 1998 and missed 23 days of work in 3 months. I just cannot do that again.
So that�s my life. But I did go to the movies this weekend. I saw �Starsky and Hutch� yesterday with my friend Char. So I�m on month 3 of the new year and I�ve watched at least 1 movie each month. Actually, I�ve watched a total of 6 movies. I�m doing pretty good. I have to reward myself for the little accomplishments, it�s all I�ve got these days.
