I used to be the girl who went to the city to see foreign films. That used to be me. Small little artsy theaters, places that spelled themselves as �theatre� all fancy and all. Little places with small �viewing rooms� with 10 seats. Little places with names like �The Nickelodeon�. Movie theaters that were created out of converted barns. Places I could walk to from my funky little blue-ceilinged apartment in Santa Cruz. My gumball-colored room with the bamboo in the hallway and the constant smell of chinese food wafting up from the parking lot. The balcony that looked like it should be condemned but we sat on it anyway.
Lately, I�ve become the girl who sits in her room, looking longingly at the computer hoping for a chance to talk to TheSpaceCowboy, throwing pity parties that no one ever attends. Maybe I�m not serving the right food?
Yesterday, I had the day off from work. Today too. JoeBoxer invited me to go to a movie in LA with him. The Return. Ruski flick. We drove around different parts of LA looking for the theater. Past Ethiopian restaurants, Kosher Deli�s, Russian markets. Places that had signs advertising that they accepted insurance plans that haven�t existed in 7 years. It was fantastic. The movie was excellent, with only 1 big outstanding question. In this movie, there�s this box that is retrieved from an island where it had been buried. The box sinks into the bottom of a lake. We never know what is in the box. Even today, I am still asking �WHAT WAS IN THE BOX???� But JoeBoxer, he�s a smart one, he figured it out. Here�s what he had to say about it:
�I personally think that the box contained my ambition. It definitely does not contain my self-centeredness (is that a word?), which is proved by the fact that I believe that a box in a movie had something to do with me. But it did contain my ambition. It may have contained something of yours too. It is official. From this day forward, anything that we cannot find, is located in that box. If someone asks where my money (or anything for that matter) went, I can tell them ..."It is beneath Russian waters" or "It is in the box". �
So we have decided that the box contains all of the following:
TheSpaceCowboy
Janet�s Dreams
Janet�s Hopes
Janet�s Desires
JoeBoxer�s Ambition
JoeBoxer�s Money
The Good Side of JoeBoxer�s Reputation
JoeBoxer�s Reason for Living
It probably contains things that YOU are looking for as well. We have thus concluded that we MUST locate this box. We are pretty sure we will recognize this remote Russian Island if we can find it. We are both good swimmers. So, we shall send you postcards from Russia.
So, I have spent my day off returning to the gym and waxing nostalgic. On the first point, I went to the gym today after an approximate 2 month plus absence. It was good, rode the bike for 25 minutes, did some leg weights. I need to get re-addicted to the gym, to something healthy. I�ve decided that I want to lose another 50 pounds. That would make me 182, which is a good weight I think. But this will take effort. It will mean working out, visiting the gym, cutting the mindless sugar binging. It can be done. I can do it. Because I�ve used up my magic pill. I can�t get another one. I have to take this seriously and change my life. I have to. I can�t gain the weight back. I can�t be the 366 pound Janet again. I can�t.
So back to the waxing nostalgic part. Santa Cruz. I began a bit with my life in Santa Cruz. My second year there, I lived in this run down apartment. It was actually a house that had been cut in quarters and made into 4 apartments. It was so funny, so cool. Everyone loved our little pad. Here�s a picture of it:
I am sure I could write novels about life in this apartment. It was on Elm street. So cool. And I will write novels about it soon. Very soon. But more pictures. My public cries for more pictures. So here�s a very cool picture of me and my family. I think I was about 4ish.
Aren�t we adorable????
But what I really want to know, is how did this little girl:
Ever lose her smile??? Where did all that joy go? How did such a happy little girl end up spending most of her adult life fighting depression? I think one reason I want a child, is so that I can raise them to know love, to know how special they are. I don�t know, it�s like I think I can right all the wrongs. In the cosmic universe, I can erase all the hurt I experienced. I don�t know why I couldn�t find happiness, why I never felt special. All this is fodder for another journal entry. Right now, I just want to get this one to print. Look for the exciting re-enactment of my childhood later. Coming soon to a diary near you.
