I really need to get back to updating more often. When I wait too long, then I feel too overwhelmed by the task, there seems to be so much to say and I am tired just thinking about it�. So, I�ll try to provide a brief synopsis on my life lately.
I applied for a new job here at my company. It is for a Project Manager II and is 2 levels above where I�m at right now. I have a phone interview tomorrow with the recruiter. Wish me luck. If it all goes well, she�ll forward my resume on to the hiring manager. If I could get this job, then I could get closer to my goal of becoming a foster parent. I know I�ll kick ass in the interview. I interview really well. And reading the job description, they are looking for me. Everyone who has read it has said that�.
I got a call from my old high school. They are having a women�s health day in February and I am going to speak. I will be giving two presentations of about 45 minutes each on dealing with depression. I am very excited about that. I just want to share my experiences and how to stay positive despite dealing with depression. I just want my talk to be uplifting, to encourage the students to get help and to know that they can have a great life even if they do have this illness. I went to an all girl�s high school, so it will be just girls I�ll be talking too�
Monday, I was given a little award here at work. Over two years ago, I (with some assistance from a co-worker) created this program called the Team Spirit Torch. It was a way for the staff to encourage each other. In the original program, staff members would nominate each other and the Management team would vote monthly. The torch bearer would get special recognition and some kind of prize ranging from gift certificates to time off with pay. We eventually revised the program and the torch is now passed weekly, with the current recipient selecting someone that they feel has exemplified the spirit of the torch. So, for the first time since the torch was created, I am the new torch bearer. It sounds kind of corny, but it�s cool. I mean, it�s a weird environment and a lot of what I do is behind the scenes so people just don�t know that I do anything to impact their job. A lot of the supervisors are great and I work well with them, but there are a few that no matter what I do, I will never earn their respect. They pass their bad attitudes on to their teams. So, anyway, the woman who passed the torch to me had some really great things to say, and I respect her a lot as a both a friend and employee, so that made it meaningful to me.
Brian and I have had lots of time to chat on line, so that is good. I had a really bad day on Saturday (see that diary entry to get a feeling for my mood, not so good) and I had sent him an e-mail similar to my entry. When we had a chance to talk he mentioned that maybe this is too hard for me and if I need out he won�t stop me. But really, that�s not what I wanted to hear. I know that his life right now is without choice. He doesn't get to decide when or if he�s home, how long, whether or not he gets to make a phone call, etc. I know this, yet I still wish it was different. So I spend all this time fighting against what can�t be changed. But I�m not ready to give up. And that�s what I told him. I don�t expect life to be easy. In fact, nothing about my life has been easy. I look at my parents marriage and I know that to make a relationship work, you have to be committed to get through the hard times. His life won�t be like this forever, I just need to be patient.
So I�ve figured out a few things about why it is so hard for me to be patient. First of all, I really hear that biological clock ticking. If I knew without a doubt that I�d be capable of carrying a healthy child at 40 or past, I�d totally relax. But because I don�t know, I�m afraid that I won�t have a child, and that scares me. Damn biological clock. Men have it easier. But at 35, even though supposedly my fertility drops every year, I still have several child-bearing years left and I need to relax. Tons of women have children in their late 30�s and early 40�s. I just need to chill.
The second thing that makes this so hard, is that really, Brian is the first guy I�ve ever been with in a �love relationship�. I mean, I�ve dated other guys and thought I was in love with them at the time, then realized later that I really wasn�t. And I�ve been with guys who said they loved me. But to have both at the same time, well, that just hasn�t happened. When I think about what love really is, I think I�ve only been in love one other time. And that guy didn�t love me back. He didn�t hurt me either, he loved me as a good friend, but not as a romantic interest. So if I�m 35 and it�s taken me this long to find a relationship that is reciprocal, I just can�t see throwing it away. It seems to me, that there just isn�t anything else out there. I don�t have another 35 years to find another Brian. And I love this man. So I don�t want to be without him. I just need reassurance that he wants the same things (which he says he does) and that this current sacrifice will be worth it.
So, I weighed in the other day and I�m at 244, a loss of 122 pounds. My weight loss has slowed down a lot in the last 2 months, but it�s still coming off so I won�t despair. I would really like to get below 200 and at this point, I think it�s all about my determination and what I put into it� eat the foods that are good for me and stay away from the junk. Exercise, take my vitamins, drink my water.
I am going to join a co-worker in June on a hike up Half-Dome in Yosemite. I�ve always wanted to do this but never have been able too.. We�re going to start training in January, going on local hikes. I�m excited!
This coming weekend, my family is taking a trip to Tahoe for a family reunion. The last time I saw my extended family, I was at my heaviest. Some of them have seen me since the surgery and some have not, so it will be very cool to show off the new me. Also, whenever I have been to Tahoe, I have always found it so hard to get around. The high altitude coupled with being severely out of shape and unhealthy have always made it hard just to walk down the street. I am anxious to go on hikes and join my family for fun. I was planning on going skiing for the first time in 18 years, but I don�t think we�ll have enough time and I�d rather relax and enjoy the time with my family.
I am going to say something now that will make you all sick and hate me�I am done Christmas shopping and my presents are all wrapped. Yes, I know. Please don�t send me hate mail. In addition to this, I hand made 140 Christmas cards, sent out all my cards with a Christmas letter and pictures and have made 8 batches of homemade caramels for friends and family. Christmas really is my season. I had the house decorated by the end of Thanksgiving Day. I love it. Unfortunately Brian won�t be home for Christmas, though he was originally expecting to be. So that part is sad, but I�m getting over it. We�ll have plenty of Christmases together, this I have to believe.
I could write a lot more, but I am swamped at work and if I don�t get some things done I�m going to have a major panic attack.
