You know that feeling when you wake up from a dream where you are falling? That�s how I feel today. And I want it to go away. But it�s not going to, probably not for a while. But I�m not eating a bunch of crap so that�s good. I�m in the middle of hating my job, feeling overwhelmed and yet wanting to do everything really well but feeling so overwhelmed that I don�t even know what to start on first. So I open up a project and just stare at it for hours until I find something else to do that takes less energy. This is bad.
I talked to a lawyer today. I was supposed to get a � hour consult through my EAP. What I got was a 5 minute phone call. What I wanted was some advice on how to do this on my own. What I got was some prices on what it�s going to cost me. Ugh. I can�t afford to spend $1500 for my freedom. I don�t know what to do. It makes me sick to my stomach. I am mad at him for not staying in touch with me when he knows I need to get this done. And I am mad at myself for not doing this sooner when I knew where he was. But all this anger accomplishes nothing.
I think I just feel like I�m fighting too many battles. There�s my health, my job, this whole legal matter� it�s like I�m surrounded by the enemy and I�m almost out of ammunition. Makes my head spin. I wake up worried about it all filled with dread about what the day is going to send my way. Everyday it�s some new problem, usually work related. I just want to bury my head in the sand for a little while. But that won�t make my problems go away. It�s certainly how I�ve coped in the past and I�m trying for a better way. I just want to do well, I want to have my life in order and I don�t have the strength for it right now. Where�s my knight in shining armor to come rub my feet, back and neck and tell me everything�s going to be okay� well, far away, that�s where he is.
My therapist has been on vacation for the past month. I was supposed to see her this week. I cancelled my appointment because I booked a hair appointment at the same time accidentally. Now I�m thinking I need the shrink more than the hairdo, but it�s too late now. I�ll just have to get through this. And I will.
And everytime I open my e-mail at work I get another meeting on my calendar. Help!
