I think I am suffering from insomnia. Last night I woke up at 2 AM and couldn�t get back to sleep until about 4:30 AM. I suffer from 3 different kinds of insomnia on occasion�the kind where you can�t fall asleep at all, the kind where you wake up in the middle of the night and can�t get back to sleep and the kind where you wake up really early and are up for the day. I hate them all. The thing for me is I have to analyze the insomnia and make sure I am not going manic. That�s the thing I hate about being bi-polar. A mood is never just a mood. I always have to analyze everything---am I too happy, am I too energetic, am I too irritable, too depressed, is my reaction appropriate to the situation? I can never just relax and enjoy the ride. I always have to worry that my reaction is out of sync with events. I have to worry about getting into a deep depression, or going the other way and going manic. The manias are better in a way than the depressions. I tend to get a lot done and be very productive. I am also usually happy during these times. But the thing with mania is you have no ability to make sound decisions (hence the marriage), all you think about is today and you believe you are invincible so nothing you do can affect you. Then later you have to live with the consequences of your decisions (like giving your new husband $2000 to go and gamble with, like loaning your new husband $1600).
A lot of times, I feel like the black sheep of the family. I wonder when I am going to get my act together. I compare myself to my sister a lot. She has always been really good with money (now spending money is part of the bi-polar disease, but I take responsibilities for my actions too), she has a great job, great husband, beautiful home, she�s never battled with her weight (for most of my life she weighed less than 100 pounds)�. I am single, struggle with my weight, good job but for a long time I was a preschool teacher and made no money, don�t own a home� sometimes I feel like I can�t get my life together. I know part of it is living with the disease. And I have to cut myself some slack for how far I have come. I am very hard on myself, I compare myself to others all the time. People always describe me as being an optimist and having a great outlook on life, always very positive. I work hard to have that attitude. When I see myself becoming negative, I fight to change my attitude. It�s very hard and I am always at battle within myself. You have no idea how tiring this is. Somedays, I am just exhuasted from keeping my mind out of the black hole. Unless you live with this disease, you just can�t understand.
