Okay, I am stress eating tonight�. Even though I am still stuffed from the half In & Out Burger I just ate (for those of you not on the west coast, I am sorry, you don�t know what you are missing), I just proceeded to consume about 20 baked doritos. Why? I don�t really know. Because they were there. Because I am so used to putting things in my mouth when I am stressed that I just fell right back into that habit. When I realized I was still full, I stopped. Now if I could just stop it from happening in the first place, I�d be ahead of the game.
I saw the surgeon today and he said that the hernia repair can probably wait. I was very relieved to get this news as I don�t know how I�d swing another surgery right now. I thought that since it was so big, I�d be in more danger of having complications, but he actually said the smaller ones cause more complications. Now, it could at any time cause problems and need to be removed, but he said it�s not likely. So I will live with my alien love child for a while longer. If it starts really bothering me, I can go have it repaired. He also said I could continue with all normal activities, no restrictions. Though he did recommend that I don�t try to lift 100 lbs or anything like that. Fat chance of that happening.
It was after leaving the surgeon and driving home that I drove by an In and Out and I said, �I�m hungry�. So I pulled up and ordered what would have been a typical meal pre-surgery�cheeseburger, fries and a coke. Yes, I got the full package. Ate half the burger, about 20 fries and about 5 sips of coke. Normally, when I begin to get full, I stop eating and I�m totally satisfied. Today, no. I kept saying one more bite, one more fry, one more bite�. Finally, I called a friend and said I need to talk to you so I can stop eating. By the time I got home I wasn�t feeling so good. Thought I was going to throw up, but I didn�t. It�s my own fault. I knew better. So what was going on? Well, I�ve been feeling very stressed lately, for a variety of reasons that I don�t want to get into right now. I think, well, I know, I felt like I deserved something, like I just wanted to be �normal� for a moment. I have to learn not to think this way. It never pays off in the long run, and always leaves me feeling ill.
I was talking with one of my co-workers� my neighbor in the cubicle jungle. He reads this journal, so do his sisters, so let me do a quick hello to the B-girls�. It�s a little strange having someone I see everyday peer inside my thoughts and feelings but I�m getting over it. I was reluctant to give him the website, because I just wasn�t sure if it would feel weird, but it�s okay. I mean, I am a little crazy, but whether or not he can read my thoughts doesn�t make me any less so! LOL. He�s a very funny guy, basically, we sit around and bag on other people all day long. When he first started working in our department, I thought he was so reserved and quiet. Man was I wrong. So he was asking me today if I watched Survivor. The guys a huge Survivor fan. I said no, I had a bad Survivor experience. It soured me. So it just got me to thinking back to 2000, what I like to call the year of bad dates. You�ve already heard about Camille (who I did write to and sweetly said, I�ve moved on and have a new boyfriend but I wish you well, bye), and you�ve also heard about Fred. So now I�m going to talk about Solomon. In 2000, I dated 4 losers. I was never exclusive with any of them, so some of these guys overlap each other. I met Solomon in July. He is a martial arts instructor up in the San Fernando Valley. I began going to his house and staying over, then the next morning, I would drive the 45 miles to work. We had been dating for about 6 weeks, when one night, I was up at his house and we were watching the season finale of Survivor. I had never watched Survivor before. After the show, he started acting really weird, saying things like �I�m the boss, you have to obey me�. I was tired and went to bed. He came and joined me after a few minutes. I figured he wanted to have sex, which I was okay with. But I was laying on my stomach, and he began trying to have anal sex with me, which I was not okay with and I told him so. He held me down on the bed and continued to try to have anal sex. I pushed him off of me and told him no. He grabbed my shoulder and pushed me down on the bed and continued to have his way with me. He is very strong, a martial arts instructor. After a few minutes, I was getting pretty mad and so I gathered up my strength and pushed him off of me. He landed on the corner of his dresser. Then he said, �I�m voting you off the island�. I just looked at him, like what? I was still processing everything that happened, and it didn�t really all sink in until the next day. At that point, I should have just gotten up and ran home, but it was already 12:30 at night and I was exhausted. I just wanted to go to sleep and pretend it didn�t happen. He said again, �I�m voting you off the island�. Again, I just looked at him confused. �I�m voting you off the island, you go sleep on the floor.� I said, �No way, I�ll sleep here or I�ll go home.� I should have just picked up and went home but I was so tired and still in shock. He said it again, and I just said fine, I�ll go sleep on the couch. I was lying on the couch, not really able to sleep. He came out of the room, went over to his desk, picked something up and came and stood over me. He was so tall and I was lying down. I had no idea what he picked up. I honestly thought he picked something up to start beating me. He just stood over me for about 5 minutes, then finally said �what the hell�s wrong with you?� He then began to walk away. It was then that I noticed that the thing he picked up was a water bottle� I continued to lay on the couch but began to get really afraid. I felt like I didn�t know what he was going to do. The thought of him standing over me thinking he was going to hit me was just too much. So even though it was now after 1 AM, I decided to go home. I got dressed, packed my stuff, yelled to him that I was leaving and I took off. It didn�t really all hit me until the next day. So that�s why I don�t watch Survivor. Maybe I should get over it, but I just don�t feel like it. Obviously, I�ve moved on. It affected me emotionally for a long time, and this was the beginning of my weight regain. I know that I turned to food. The stress of the four men was just too much. I plummeted into a depression that lasted for about 6 months. I had been doing really well emotionally, feeling like I was really in control of my life. It was just all too much for me and I couldn�t handle it. Within 1 year, I had gained 60 pounds and lost a good amount of my self-esteem.
I�ve worked hard to get my self-esteem back, to learn to trust men again, when so many of them let me down that one year. It�s been hard, but I�m committed to it. I feel like, you can�t judge one man based on the actions of another. It�s very hard, because I struggle with doubt daily. But I offer each man a fresh slate, they don�t get marks against them unless they personally screw up. I battle myself to trust, to not be insecure. It�s a tough fight but I am winning.
So that�s why I don�t watch Survivor.
