I really am alive, if you call this living. Depression has settled over me like a big fuzzy blanket. But it is too warm for this blanket. I can't shake it off, I'm trapped beneath it longing for cool air to breathe.
Life is chaotic and unexplainable, even to me. This entry won't be long cuz i haven't the energy. I have no idea where I left off in this little world either. Did you all know I had surgery in February to fix my broken nose? And that it was surgery number 10? And that after that I suffered from severe anemia? And then I went out on disability for depression?
Well, one thing I'm sure you did not know is that just last week I had surgery number 11. Just out of the blue, not having fun or anything, just going from here to there, taking a step like any other day, no falls, no spills, no loss of balance... snap, crackle, pop and I have a torn meniscus. So I'm currently recovering from that.
My dad has been in the hospital twice in the last few months. They had to stop his post-surgery chemo because his body just couldn't handle it. I worry. I worry about roque cancer cells awaiting to pick up where the other one left off.
I struggle daily with my family and my relationship with them. Trying to please them but being unable to do so. When we found out my dad had cancer, it was read this, look here, here's an article, come to this meeting on it, etc. I have had bi-polar disorder for a long time and was diagnosed 15 years ago. No one in my family has given a crap to understand it. So I get stupid orders about socializing and getting out of bed and things that should be easy but aren't to a bi-polar. My parents, in fact, in the heat of an argument, actually stated that they don't care to know about it and won't. Simply won't learn about it. That's a pain deeper that I wish to bear right now. I feel rejected.
Brian has been unusual lately, for the most part for the good, being attentive, talking at great lengths about our future together, spending the night, he even took me for my surgery last week. It's been nice. But then all of a sudden yesterday he's mad at me and won't talk to me. Moodiness-maybe he has PMS.
This is all I can do for now. I'm overwhelmed with the picture of a future that is too fuzzy to make out. I'll have to get better soon. I'll have to go to work. I don't know how, I can barely get out of bed. I think I'll just go live on Mars, didn't they find water there recently?
