I�ve been in a weird place in regards to my friendship network. There�s been a lot of transition lately and that has been hard for me. I�m not really handling it all that well.
With Danny now in Denver, I�ve lost a good friend that I used to really spend a lot of time with. Danny was more than just a friend, he was such a companion to me. If I wanted to go do something fun, Danny was the one who would go with me. When I look back at my pictures from the last few years and all the things I�ve done, Danny is right there with me for most of them. It�s hard having him gone. It was great to see him when I was in Denver but it almost made it harder having to say goodbye to him all over again. When he left at the end of October, it wasn�t really goodbye because I already knew I was going to Denver for Thanksgiving. But this time, we had to say goodbye for real. And I don�t know when I�m going to see him again.
What makes it harder is something that makes Danny, well Danny. Danny doesn�t really like phones (most men don�t). Right now, he doesn�t have a landline, only a cell phone. Danny�s cell phone is generally in his car turned off. So you can call him, but he won�t answer. And when he turns it on and sees he has messages, he usually doesn�t check them because he doesn�t know how old they are or if they are even important any more. So I haven�t even talked to him since I was in Denver. I finally e-mailed him the other day. He does check e-mail slightly more often than his voicemail but it�s not very regular either.
I have another friend that I was spending a lot of time with who has also vanished from my life recently. Char and I have been friends for 16 years. We�ve had periods of distance and times when we spent a lot of time together. I know that no matter what, we will always be friends. The last year has been a time where we�ve spent a lot of time together. Whether it was hanging out at her apartment painting our toes or coloring our hair, meeting for dinner or catching a movie, I saw her at least every other week. Back in September, we went to Seattle together.
Char is like a sister to me. As far as I�m concerned, she�s family. When I met Char, she was a single parent. We were roommates for about a year and a half when her daughter was very young. Char�s own family is kind of flaky and has their own issues in life so when Char runs into trouble, she really has no one to be there for her. I�ve seen Char through bad relationship after bad relationship. I�ve learned to tell her what I see without passing judgement and offer her my friendship no matter what her choices are. I try to look out for Char because I know that she doesn�t have anybody else.
There�ve been many times where I�ve helped her buy back to school clothes for the kids, groceries, whatever she needs. At Christmas and her birthday, I try to remember to get something for her because, except for those times when she�s had a boyfriend, there really isn�t anyone who does that for her. Her family doesn't exchange gifts and her kids don�t usually do things for her like that (at least not when they were younger). When she�s going through hard times and she�s called me crying, I make sure to call her the next day to make sure she�s feeling better. When she left one boyfriend due to emotional abuse and had to move out in secret, I took the day off to be with her and help her. When she called me one morning because her bank account was overdrawn and she only had $2 cash and a week to payday, I drove 20 miles on my lunch break to bring her half of the money I had (and since I was broke that week too, I could only give her $20 but I told her if she needed more to call me and I�d find a way to make it happen, because I have my family to help me out. She had no one).
So now Char has a new boyfriend. And she�s one of those people whose life becomes all about the man. The only time I�ve seen her since October was when I was in her area on a day she happened to be going to lunch with her sister and she invited me to join them. My calls to her went unanswered for 3 straight weeks. She spends every minute of her free time with the new man and can�t seem to peel herself away for 1 night to spend with me. Or even for 5 minutes to call me and see how I�m doing.
I feel like no matter what I do, I�m just unremarkable. I feel like whatever I send out into the world, it doesn�t come back to me. That�s not to say I don�t have some incredible friends too, friends who treat me in the same way I treat them, who give back what I give them. And really, I don�t count Danny among the friends who treat me badly, I just miss him and he�s 3 states away. But the Chars in my life have been plentiful � the friends who take and take and take. The friends who only think of me when they need me and don�t wonder if maybe I need them too.
So my self-esteem was in the toilet over the weekend. I wonder if I have made any impact at all in the world. If the spirit that was put inside of me is there for a reason, and do people even appreciate me. I�m not trying to throw myself a pity party and say oh I�m so wonderful and no one appreciates me. I�m just trying to figure things out. But also trying to be honest about how I�ve been feeling lately.
So this was my state of mind on Saturday when Brian forgot that he had made tentative plans with me and then found himself in a family crisis and felt that he was unable to take 30 seconds away from it to return my phone call to say no, we won�t be able to go out. I was already feeling alone, forgotten and unremarkable. I was already feeling that a majority of people in my life just take me for granted. And I was angry. So I pushed him when I knew he was in the middle of a family crisis. I incited a fight. That�s the part I have to own.
It�s no excuse for what came out of his mouth though (or rather fingers as we were talking online). And while I can understand where he was coming from when it was said, I don�t know that I will ever get those words out of my head. See, if you know me, you�ll just know that what was said is so not true. It�s so not who I am. And whether he meant it or not almost doesn�t matter.
On Saturday, someone I love said the meanest words to me I have ever heard.
And I can�t get them out of my head.
Though I know they�re not true. Though he has apologized. They are stuck in my head and I hear them over and over.
�You truly are a narcissistic bitch Janet.�
And I tear up just a little even when typing them out 3 days later.
