I sit at my desk and hold my head in my hands and hope that my music distracts me long enough to shut up all the voices inside my head. I have these moments where it just seems so hard to hold it all together. I get distracted by the moments when everything is tight like bricks and mortar so when these moments like this one come on, I�m surprisingly blindsided.
Lately, it seems like I�ve lost so many of the things that have been holding me together. And then there are all the things that I feel like I�ve lost yet I never really had. So I mourn them all. And come slowly apart.
I�m listening to Christmas music, because I love Christmas music. And somehow, if I just listen to the song and don�t let anything else in, I manage to think I can make it another day. But the song end eventually, there is always a gap in the music, a place where my sadness gets a toehold and barges it�s way in.
People could ask me what�s wrong but I can�t really say, because it�s not anything big, it�s just a hundred little things that add up and take away all my hope, all my joy, all my belief in tomorrow. Tonight, I can�t take it, I�m tired of taking it. I don�t know that tomorrow will be better and I don�t have enough energy to summon up the hope that it will be.
I hate that I have to wake up tomorrow. I hate that I have to get out of bed. I hate that I can�t just lay here and cry. I hate that I can�t really put this into words. I can�t make it make sense even to myself so there�s no way I can get anyone else to understand.
The funny thing is that I might wake up tomorrow and this will all be gone. Or it might be worse. It�s hard not knowing. Not that anyone gets to predict their mood from day to day, but I wonder how many people have moods that swing so violently, so quickly� I would have thought that after 20 years of battling this, I�d be better at it, I�d be at least better prepared, have a better emergency preparedness kit hiding in my attic or basement. But I don�t, each wave that comes surprises and leaves me as powerless as the first.
And I made a big mistake tonight, because I was talking to someone and hoping they would understand the SOS signal I was sending, but they didn't. And I'm too stubborn to really come out and say it. Too stubborn, too afraid that if I do say it, they still won't be able to help me. But instead, my distress signal is met with "have a good evening" and I'm left feeling emptier than I was before. Why is it that when you want/need to say "help me" what comes out is "okay, have a good night"?
