This:
Is the cheese that saved my life the other night. Well, the cheese didn�t actually save my life, but the pursuit of it seemed to. It�s not that I was hanging off the edge of a cliff and a cloud of cheese came to rescue me on it�s comfy softness. It�s just that I was wild inside with rage and sadness and I was starting to take it out on myself and I was craving this cheese. I had found this cheese in Seattle but it�s actually made in the Bay Area of California. It has to be some of the best cheese I�ve ever had. It haunts my dreams and tickles my taste buds at the mere thought of it. I had done a little research and found that Whole Foods markets sometimes carries it. For some reason, the idea of having this cheese was compelling, and in the midst of a major crying jag, I pulled myself together enough to go searching for this cheese.
Why Janet, why were you so sad and angry? I�ve realized that fall is one of my hardest times. I have hard times all year really, but fall has become very predictable and probably the hardest for me. I just feel this sense of despair, this fatigue, fear, anxiety, distrust of the future. Part of it on Tuesday was that feeling of coming home from vacation. Prior to Seattle, I had the trip to look forward to, something to keep me going each day. Then when I came home, it was gone. I didn�t know what I was looking forward to. But part of it is just my damn chemistry. I can�t blame it on lack of sunlight, I live in California. I don�t know why, but it�s just there. I feel so much despair. And I know that it will go away, but I also know it�s going to come back. And that�s the part that I dread the most, the part that makes me throw up my hands and say �I surrender.� Because I�m tired of fighting it every time. I barely have time in between bouts to restock my supply of cheerfulness. I�m tapping into reserves, and the reserves are running low. There are other things going on too, things in my life that I don�t want to talk about until I know how they end, how the dust settles, but they were a big part of it. And it all just accumulated on Tuesday into a major emotional disaster.
But the cheese, the cheese saved my life. I was sitting in my room just filled with all this negative energy. I had no idea where to focus it, how to focus it, how to get it OUT of me without hurting myself or another human being. I had held it in all day. I had put on the �sane face� for the day and it took all of my energy. I was like a 2 year old who doesn�t yet know how to control and express their emotions. And a part of me thought, �where can I drive and find a cliff to jump off of?� But I don�t know of any real cliffs near my home. At least ones that are accessible by car and I was in no mood to go hiking. And after crying for about 30 minutes, after beating on the floor, the mattress, the pillows, after throwing shoes and clothes and pens, I got dressed and drove to the store in search of cheese.
The whole drive there, I was borderline hysterical. The tears just would not stay in my eyes. But I distracted myself. I was not going to walk into a grocery store looking like I had just come from a funeral. Was. Not. Gonna. Do. It. So I held it together. And went to the store. And searched for my cheese. They didn�t have the particular cheese I was searching for, but they had many other kinds of cheeses.
So you have to appreciate the comedy in this. I am a food addict. I love junk food and crap. I was in a horrible state. And you know what I bought at the store? Cheese and apples. It�s almost funny really. There were chips and cookies and cakes and all sorts of delights. But I bought gourmet cheese and apples. Oh, and a roll.
I completed my purchases, drove home, suddenly in control of my emotions, ate my cheese and apples and felt very decadent and indulgent. The problems, depression, rage, it all still existed, but I felt that I had dodged a major bullet. All thanks to the cheese. I WILL find that cheese somewhere here in Southern California. In the meantime, I�m discovering other gourmet cheeses that are quite tasty too. Cheese � I really don�t think I could live without it.
To treat myself well, my friend Jana and I are having a spa day on Saturday. I�m going to have a 50 minute relaxation massage, she�s going to have a facial. Then we are going to prance around the spa in our terry cloth robes, sweat it up in the sauna and steam room, relax in the jacuzzi, have lots of girl talk, then shower and dress, go to lunch at our favorite restaurant and watch a chick flick. It will be quite a girls day. Right now, the anticipation is keeping me going for another couple of days. After Saturday, I�ll have to plan something else to keep me going for a while. That�s all I can do � just focus on the little things that give me hope.
Like finding my cheese.
