Because my buddy Abby was celebrating something really big and amazing, I dressed up and went out to celebrate on the west coast. A few months back, I had momentary dreams of being there for her big night, but I just couldn�t pull it off, so Abby , I was there in spirit. And in sobriety -- I was the designated driver.
She�s brave. She has stared down the devil inside of herself and she has won. The struggle is not over, but she has shown the devil who is in charge and I�m proud of her. She will make you laugh, she will give you the strength to face your own demons. She will air her dirty laundry out for all to see, because she has learned to see what�s real in herself. She is beautiful and funny and lights from coast to coast with her smile. Congratulations Abby. You rock my socks off here in California.
A few of my sisters co-workers have started a band and play at some local restaurants. My sister organized a girls night out to go see them. It was perfect timing. I had a cute outfit that I wanted to put on and go out and have a good time. And it beat the alternative I had planned � laying around in my pajamas. I have really mastered the art of laying around in my pajamas. I probably don�t need anymore practice.
I want to thank all of you who offered me some support with my entry yesterday. Thank you for supporting my right to speak, whether or not you agree with me. And I think that was part of the point � we all have the right to speak and have opinions and the fact that they don�t agree is what makes the world great. Each side does the job of keeping the other side from going too far off the deep end. If the most conservative of republicans was allowed to run the country unchecked, it could be disastrous. I feel the same about the most left-wing democrat. By having variety, we keep the extremes from running rampant. So those of you on the far left, I thank you. We need you to keep the most closed of minds out of power.
I hated writing that entry. I couldn�t help it though. It had to come out or stew in my brain and make me crazy. But I hated putting it out there. With my good friends, I know I can think and say whatever because they will love me no matter what. But diary readers are, for the most part, a bunch of strangers. I have had more contact with some of you than others. Some of you have become real friends, even if we haven�t met. And one of you, dear Heidi , occasionally shows up in my real world and helps me smile and cavort like a na�ve 8 year old girl who doesn�t know that the world is a scary place. I thank you for that. But most of my readers are fairly anonymous. The idea that I could lose someone over those thoughts kept them locked inside for several days. But those thoughts, they took on a life of their own. They had to get out.
This diary has become so much more to me than I ever expected. It�s a group of people who keep me going on my hardest day. It�s a place where I can take off my mask and show my true face and have people tell me that I am beautiful without the mask. It gives me a place to write out the thoughts that cycle in my head, and once I get them out, I can begin to let go of them. When I write in my diary about my fears, they are suddenly less scary. When I write about my desire to die, I know that I can make it. When I come here in my weakest moment, I walk away with enough strength to keep going.
So thank you, all of you who read here and comment. I don�t exaggerate when I say I owe you my life.
