I didn�t mean to procrastinate this long in posting an entry and now I feel like I have gads to talk about.
Wednesday night was another total freak out night. I got a total of 2 hours sleep the whole night. First, I slept for an hour and then woke up and then my brain just started going. It�s like, every insecurity, every fear that I have about life in general, every mistake I�ve ever made, it all just plays over and over in my head. I hate the middle of the night stuff, because there�s no one to help you through it. I felt so hopeless. At one point, I opened the blinds, sat on my bed and just stared out the window for about 30 minutes. This was after 2 days home from work so depressed I could barely breathe. I ended up falling asleep for another hour about 6 AM. The hopelessness clung to me all day Thursday, truth is, I haven�t gotten it all off yet� it�s like some horrible lint stuck to my clothes, it won�t all come off no matter how many times I go over it with a lint brush.
This weekend was pretty much more of the same except that I ended up with food poisoning in addition to the emotional despair. Because I didn't eat very much on Thursday or Friday, I think I've narrowed down the culprit. I had some soup at Claim Jumper on Friday (potato cheddar -- milk based) and brought the leftovers back to work with me. I didn't refrigerate them right away. I know the soup was okay when I ate it on Thursday because I was fine all Thursday night. Friday, I had a donut in the morning and then the leftover soup for lunch. I ate 1 piece of bread and about 3 bites of soup before I started to feel icky. I thought I just ate too much (some days it doesn't take much to fill me up) but as the afternoon progressed I was just feeling worse. I had actually had really sore hips all day (like I was in so much pain I was finding it hard to walk) so when my body started aching all over in the afternoon, I didn't think much of it. I had been nauseous pretty much all afternoon, but I do have occasional bouts of nausea so I didn�t really make any connection. Then I got a headache. As I was driving home, I started having chills and my skin got really sore and sensitive and then I knew I had a fever. Since I didn't have dinner on Thursday and only ate the soup and a donut on Friday, I'm pretty sure it was the soup, and it's probably because I left it out for 2 hours on Thursday
The thing with the gastric bypass surgery is that the main part of your stomach is stapled off. This means that when you vomit (or attempt to) the part of the stomach that is contracting is the part that's not connected to anything. So 4 times throughout the night, I was in the bathroom violently dry heaving, about 6 or 7 times each time. At one point, the heaving was so violent, I ended up with a gazillion tiny broken blood vessels in the skin around my eyes. That healed up pretty quickly and it's all better today. So there I was, fever, body aches, headaches, dry heaving, and the runs. Really, it was a lot of fun. I had a lot to do this weekend and I hardly got any of it done. I was just feeling too awful. So now I have even more to do this week. It�s gonna be a crazy week. I can�t believe I haven�t sent out my Christmas cards yet. I don�t think they�re going to get out until right before Christmas, so most people won�t get them until after Christmas but that�s just the way it has to be this year.
.I know I'm totally coming to a place where I have to get serious about my emotional health. I started Wellbutrin on Friday but with the whole food poisoning thing, I didn't take it all weekend. I started it again today, but it will still take a while to kick in. I really need to get back into therapy. There's a therapist at my psychiatrist office. She's not yet contracted with my insurance but is supposedly in the process, so I'm kind of just waiting for that. Actually, I decided to call and see if she is yet, she�s supposed to be contracted in the next two weeks so I�ll call again in January. It�s not like I�d go in for an appointment in the next two weeks anyway. Hopefully, things will get better after Christmas and New Years. They have to, or else I won't make it through 2005.
I'm starting to think about what I want for my goals for 2005. Here's what I've got so far:
Be able to run a mile (meaning, a full run the whole mile, no walking breaks)
Be able to do 1 hour at level 5 on the exercise bike
Go to an LA/OC/San Diego tourist attraction 6 times (1 every 2 months)
Go to 1 movie each month (average of at least 12 for the year)
Find a place to live that works for me
Get a new-used car
Figure out my love-life
That's all I've got so far, that might be enough. I am trying to stay away from the "workout 3 times a week" thing because it never seems to work for me, whereas a specific fitness goal will be better. Also, I�m going to take a line-dancing class with 2 friends from work. It's 1 night a week for 6 weeks so that should be a lot of fun, and it will get me out of the house 1 night a week, plus it's good exercise. I just need to stop being such a hermit. I need a rich full life that is NOT based on any man.
Well, I haven't been in for an official weigh-in in quite some time (3 months I think). I try to do occasional official weigh-ins at the doctor's office where I had my surgery. I figure, that's where I got my official pre-op weight (it's a special scale for especially large people so I feel like it's more accurate than the home scale) so that's where I try to get my official weight loss numbers. Since each scale is different, I like to return to that one for �check-ups� and official weigh-ins. I feel like I�ve lost some weight recently and I have a lot of clothes that are fitting looser. Plus, I tried on a pair of jeans that didn't fit me a few months ago and they fit now. Today, I had 3 people tell me I look skinnier, so I went at lunch to weigh in. I�m down to 213, which is a loss of 14 pounds since I was last on that particular scale and a total loss of 153 pounds. Being 13 pounds away from 200 really helps motivate me. It�s like I actually believe I can get below 200 pounds now, whereas when I was at 220 (plus), it seemed almost impossible.
Oh, I had one of those freaky, wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-in-terror nightmares again last night. There was a lot that preceded that I don't remember but the part I remember went like this: You know how cars have those buttons to adjust the seat, well I had a mattress that had adjustments like that. I was in between the mattress and the bed making some adjustments when all of the sudden the mattress went all haywire and came flying at me and shoved me against the wall. I cursed like a sailor and pushed the mattress back on the bed. Then this big shadow came up out of the bed, like there was a prowler in the room and it was just coming for me. It was flying at me and I was terrified. It was human shaped, but dark and see-through, almost like a ghost or how you see the grim reaper. It flew out the window and then another one landed on my lap, they were flying all over the room. The one on my lap grabbed my hand. She was trying to suck out my soul. I could tell she was a girl. She was see-through, but her hand felt fleshy when she grabbed my hand. I mean, I can still feel the flesh of her hand as if I was holding your hand. I wanted to scream but couldn't in the dream. I knew if I could scream I'd be okay but nothing would come out. Finally, I got a little grunt out and that woke me up. It was another one of those dreams that left me terrified and afraid to get out of bed. I was actually afraid to be in bed too. But I was so tired I could hardly move. I knew I had to go to the bathroom but a combination of fatigue and terror kept me in bed. I finally got up to go to the bathroom and just felt like hands were going to reach out from under the bed and grab me. In the bathroom, I heard a noise in the shower (water dripping I think) and got all freaked out again. God, I hate being all frightened in the middle of the night. No one wants to get a phone call just to talk a 36 year old through a fucking nightmare.
