The morning always makes things better. Not wonderful, but better. No knives were used last night, though I found a new way to hurt myself. It�s less bloody. Pinching. I frequently found myself pinching myself. I�m going to try not to make this a habit, but it�s probably better than the knives. I haven�t cried that much in months. It was a long night. But it�s over now.
So, I am going to finally give a little more detail about what�s been going on in the past few weeks. 2 weeks ago on Tuesday, I came across some information that indicated that TheSpaceCowboy (for the remainder of this entry, known as TSC) was in town. There was a possibility that everything he told me from the beginning 3 years ago was a lie. Or there may have been a reasonable explanation. It was hard to tell. All I can tell you is that he was in town and things didn�t look good. I made some elaborate assumptions based on the evidence that I had and thought that he might be married and living a double life. I was devastated. After a bit of investigation, things looked progressively worse for TSC and I was sure that he had lied to me about everything. Then finally on Friday, I got the chance to meet with him and found out that yes, he had been lying, but only for about 6 weeks.
TSC had been injured and discharged about 6 weeks ago. He returned home and started a new job. He did not tell me he was home and continued to pretend that he was still overseas fighting. He said he was going to tell me eventually but was just trying to catch his breath. He felt that I wanted so much from him and that he had nothing to offer me. I think he was afraid that I would take from him rather than believing that I could love him enough to offer him some support during this time.
He�s dealing with so many things�the traumas of war (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), the loss of some of his friends who died in the explosion, the recovery from the injuries, the loss of his career, the transition to being home, etc. He�s been depressed and suicidal. And I know from my own experiences, when you are like that it�s hard to let anyone in.
I�m trying to be understanding and I�m trying to be supportive. I want to be his friend and help him through this. But I�m hurting too.
I feel rejected. I feel hurt. And I feel mad. I was faithful to him for 8 months while he was gone. And now he�s home and he doesn�t want to see me. This hurts so much. And that he felt that I wasn�t someone he could go to for support. I have no idea what is in store for us. I don�t know if we�re going to end up together. I know that we can make it through this but I don�t know if we WILL. And that is hard for me too, I hate not knowing and I feel like I have no control. I hate not feeling in control. The truth is, we are never in control and we never know what the future holds. Any feeling that we do is just an illusion. Right now, I�m staring my illusion in the face and watching it slither away. All that�s left is reality. I hate reality.
Also, part of the problem is I keep trying to predict what might happen. The good and the bad. So I�m planning for best case and worst case scenarios all at the same time. And I�m dealing with emotions on events that haven�t even taken place and might never take place. Seriously, this is NOT a healthy way to deal with things. So, I�m trying just to live in this moment. Right now. And deal with what it brings me. It�s all I can do. This is not an easy time for me, but I will get through it. I don�t know how, I don�t know how long it�s going to last. But it won�t last forever. Eventually, TheSpaceCowboy will pull his head out of his ass and figure out what he wants. Or I�ll get tired of dealing with this and I�ll be ready to move on. Either way, I want to be his friend and support him. It�s just that I don�t know how much more I can offer him when he doesn�t want anything from me.
