This is a long one and I think it should come with a warning. Not because it�s long, (which it is), but because it was painful. And if it�s as painful to read as it was to write� well, I�m sorry, and I warned you. Maybe reading someone else�s pain isn�t hard to do, but it never works that way for me.
I just keep coming back to past relationships, how they have shaped my self-image and how my self-image has shaped relationships. I think back to my relationships, both platonic and romantic, and I don�t have many that I can count as fulfilling. It�s not that I don�t have friends, because I do, but if I had to really say I had friends I could rely on, I�d be hard pressed to come up with the list. And that stinks. Because I think maybe I don�t deserve reliable people in my life, maybe I�m not good enough. Which is wrong. I offer people the best that I�ve got, I give and give. It�s not that I�m trying to say I�m such a great person, but if I�m honest with myself, I am a good friend. And people tell me this too. But I don�t inspire that in return and then I wonder what�s wrong with me? So let�s look at the romantic relationships first.
I�ve dated very few men that I could trust and rely on, very few men who really treated me well. My first boyfriend was an alcoholic. He was 19 and couldn�t stop drinking. Whenever we went out, he would get drunk and then he would become insulting. He was never violent or physically mean, he was just rude. We�d be in a supermarket and he would make rude comments about me. I don�t remember specific comments, but they were about my appearance, like I was ugly or something. I don�t know if he called me fat, he might have. I just don�t remember the specific comments. I just know that at those moments, I felt so hurt. We drifted apart right around prom time. I was getting ready to buy tickets for the prom, it would have actually been the first of those all important high school dances that I would attend. It was my senior year. I�d never dated before. But a few weeks before, I realized I didn�t want to go with him. We broke up shortly after that. A few weeks later, I heard that he�d �gone gay� or however you say it. I worried that it was me. Because I always blame myself.
I didn�t really have a significant romantic relationship until my mid-20�s, but I did become sexually active at 19. It was a guy I had known as a friend all throughout my freshman year of college. I had decided that I just couldn�t go home from college a virgin. So on the last night, I just went for it. One of my roommates had graduated along with several of her friends, who, through virtue of living with us, had become our (all of the roomies) friends. Greg was kind of shy and a little bit overweight. He was very attractive, and had lost some weight in the last part of the year. At the graduation party, I proceeded to get drunk and come on to him in a very strong way. We talked and decided to have some fun that night. As a graduating senior, he was in the mood for a little celebration. I just wanted to lose my virginity, it almost didn�t matter with whom.
Having grown up Catholic, I had a strong idea about intimacy within marriage, or at least within the bounds of an exclusive relationship. Also, being overweight (though at the time, I was really not that heavy I just always saw myself as fat no matter what, very poor self image), I had a lot of body issues too. I didn�t think anyone could be attracted to me. So in my mind, the only reason Greg slept with me, is because he wanted to get laid for graduation. So, with my Catholic guilt and my body issues, I felt so miserable about the choice that I made. But another part of me, felt like I now belonged with my group of sexually active friends. I was part of the crowd, in on the scene. Unfortunately, the guilt haunted me and when I ran into Greg the next year, my shame made me rude. I couldn�t even say Hi or acknowledge him. I played the typical male role by blowing it off and pretending like it never happened. I am embarrassed by my behavior.
My second year in college, I felt so lonely. I wanted a boyfriend. I decided to answer a personal ad and I met Keith. We went out one time, and then we slept together. I had the same problem after sleeping with him. After that, I never wanted to see him again. I made excuses when he called and eventually, he stopped calling.
Then later that year, I went out with Brent. I slept with Brent on the second date as well. Now the difference with Brent was that I really wanted to see him again. Unfortunately, though he seemed to have a good time, he didn�t feel the same way and he would blow me off and ignore me when I tried to get in touch with him. My self-esteem took another nose dive.
My third year of college, I gained 60 pounds and found religion. I practiced celibacy and didn�t date. The not-dating wasn�t because of religion but because I felt so horribly ugly and fat and didn�t possibly imagine anyone could ever be attracted to me. Yet I held secret hopes that someone would see beneath the exterior to the beauty within. However, without good self-image, it�s really hard for other people to see you this way.
I didn�t date again until 4 or 5 years later. I was attending a church with a very strong singles group and I began to date one of the other members, Tom. Tom and I were good friends. In fact, he was one of my best friends. We went out on several dates, but never as a couple. Tom treated me like gold. When we were at a party or in a group of people, he could make me feel like I was the only one in the room. He opened doors for me like a true gentleman. I knew that I had fallen in love with Tom. We talked every day and spent time together on a weekly basis. I was afraid to ask how he felt. Again, I just didn�t believe that anyone could be attracted to me and I was too afraid to hear that he wasn�t. As long as I didn�t know, I could nurse my fantasy. If I asked the pointed questions, I could lose even that. So I stayed in the dark. Eventually, our friendship eroded because we were both going through personal issues and chose to isolate ourselves instead of drawing closer. He�s married now to a wonderful woman and has beautiful children. I am happy for him.
After Tom, I didn�t date for a long time. It wasn�t until after I turned 30 that I began to date again, and I had my first sexual relationship. I�ve gone through that story in another journal entry to some extent. John did wonders for my self-esteem because he just thought I had the sexiest body and my fat didn�t matter to him. But at the same time, we had an odd relationship. In the beginning, he was seeing other women. After a couple of months, we were exclusive, but not because we had made some big decision, just because neither one of us happened to be dating anyone else. I wanted to be exclusive for real. He didn�t. Although John really enjoyed my company and we had an amazing sex-life, he just didn�t feel I was right for him for a long-term relationship. But I just couldn�t give him up. Because he was my first sexual relationship, it was an addiction that I couldn�t break, even though I knew it was hurting me. He began to see someone else more seriously, she knew about me but she didn�t like it. I knew about her but couldn�t do anything about it. Once, I accidentally left a piece of lingerie at his house, she took it home with her. She was crazy and he admitted that but wouldn�t break it off. And he didn�t want to break it off with me either. After I found out that he was going on a vacation with her and her family, I decided it was time. I spoke to him when he returned and told him that I couldn�t see him anymore. He convinced me to stick around. And I did. We continued to see each other for several months. He ended up breaking it off with her and seeing someone else. I was very hurt because one of the reasons he always gave for not dating me is that he just didn�t want a relationship. And then he kept getting in relationships. So I began to wonder, what was wrong with me? It became apparent that it wasn�t that he didn�t want a relationship he just didn�t want one with me. After a few months where we didn�t see each other, I sent him an e-mail telling him how I felt and that I wanted a chance to have a relationship with him. He never responded. I finally called him and he said he got the e-mail but he just didn�t know what to say. So instead, he chose to say nothing. It wasn�t that I was in love with him. I mean, I loved him, but I knew I wasn�t in love with him. It really was just the sexual addiction. I couldn�t break it. But after that conversation, I told him I couldn�t be friends right then, and that I would call him when I was ready to be friends. I waited a few months and sent him some Christmas greetings. We gradually began talking again, but didn�t see each other. We just talked on the phone. About a year later, we resumed our sexual relationship, even though he was still dating his girlfriend. Our affair lasted another year, during which he broke up with his girlfriend. We were really getting along well and having such a good time together, I convinced myself he cared about me as more than just a sex partner. It�s not that he didn�t consider me a friend, he just didn�t consider me for more than that. Soon after that, he got another girlfriend. We continued to talk on the phone and even occasionally on line. But we didn�t see each other again. We still talk on occasion to this day.
After John (or really I should say, somewhere in the middle of the whole John relationship), there was Fred, Camille and Solomon. You can read here for the story of Fred and Camille and here for the story of Solomon. I�ll save my hands some typing.
And then there was also Jose, that I haven�t talked about yet. I had met Jose on line in late 1999 but we never connected. We e-mailed for a bit and he lived in San Jose so I tried to connect with him when I was in the bay area for business but it never happened. So I just let it go. In June of 2000, I was at a BBW bash in Vegas. He came up to me and said hi. I recognized him from his picture but he didn�t recognize me. We talked for a while and he remembered me and was excited to see me. We went out that night and after returning to our respective homes, we continued to e-mail and talk on the phone.
I decided to take a weekend road trip up to San Jose to visit him and convinced my then roommate, DogLover to go along for a road trip so she could visit a guy she�d been talking too. We drove up together in her car. She dropped me off with Jose in San Jose and then continued on her journey. Jose and I got a hotel, because he lived with roommates and we wanted some privacy. We spent Friday night together and he mentioned that he was really sorry because he had to work Saturday morning. I told him it was no big deal. He left for work and then returned around noon. He had brought his nephew (who was an adult) with him to meet me, as his nephew had just moved up from Peru and was living with him. We went to lunch and drove around a little bit, then returned to the hotel to go swimming. After going swimming, he mentioned he needed to take his nephew to buy something and then he would take him home and come back and we�d go to dinner. He never came back. I called and called him all night long but never heard from him. I was devastated. I wondered what I had done. Because of course, I took it personally. And I was stranded in San Jose, by myself, with no car. I got through the night with much crying, and my roommate picked me up the next day and we returned home.
I wasn�t sure what I was going to do, because I was pissed off, but I was also worried that something might have happened to him. After a few days, I finally decided to call him. His story is that he had gone out for a drink, gotten pulled over, the cop searched his car and found some marijuana that supposedly a friend of his had left in the car. He was arrested for possession and DUI and spent several days in jail (Where do I meet these losers???). Well, I told him that I would forgive him but that we were going back to being friends and he had to earn his way back into my life. This was late July. I mentioned I would be up in the bay area in September for a business trip and for a wedding for one of my co-workers. He asked if he could attend the wedding with me and I made special arrangements with my friend to bring him. When September came, I drove up to the bay area and we spent Friday night together. Saturday was the wedding in the afternoon. In the morning he said he had to go run some errands and that he�d be back by 1 to go to the wedding. He never showed up and I didn�t hear from him again. I said F*CK It. I don�t need this shit. (I did hear from him several years later at a club in LA where he was supposedly looking for me. He tried to get back in my life and my bed but I told him no way).
So, after these four wonderful men, I just hadn�t had enough. I answered a personal ad for a guy named Mike. He lived in Chico. While I was up in the bay area on my trip, we began e-mailing each other all day long. We seemed to really get a long and click through e-mail. He claimed he was shy on the phone but we kept talking about meeting. Stuff just always seemed to come up. Mike and I continued e-mailing when I returned to Southern California. I thought I was falling in love with him. But what I was falling for was a bunch of lies. Because I�m getting tired of typing (and you�re probably getting tired of reading), I�m going to give the super condensed version of Mike. We had an online relationship off and on for over 2 years. Mike continued to make excuses for why we couldn�t meet and if I pressed him too hard, he�d just do a disappearing act. I wouldn�t hear from him for months and then he�d suddenly turn up again all hot for me and such. He would get mad at me if I dated other guys, yet he wouldn�t even meet me. He kept saying it was because he was scared. And I was so crazy for him, I�d take him back after all of the disappearing acts. Finally one day he told me that he was manic depressive and continually attempted suicide. Even this didn�t scare me off. I just wanted to be there for him. And then he�d disappear for a while again, and then I�d take him back. Well, after two years of this, we were talking on line one day and all the truth finally came out. His name wasn�t Mike and with the exception of the fact that he lived in Chico, everything he told me was a lie. And he was married (supposedly they were separated). Well, I�m so crazy that I forgave him. He came up with good excuses for everything and I wanted to believe so I did. We continued to talk for a few months, but in the end, I just got tired of the whole thing and moved on. I haven�t heard from him in over a year and a half. I intend to keep it that way.
Then there was Daniel. I started dating Daniel in December of 2002. We dated for several months until I broke up with him. Daniel was a nice enough guy, he just couldn�t follow through on his words. He kept going on and on about how romantic he was and all that, but I never saw any of it. He was going to school full-time plus and had very little time. He kept making plans with me and then he wouldn�t show up. He�d know that he had done something wrong but he wouldn�t call. He would wait for me to call because he was afraid of confrontation. We were supposed to go out for an early valentine�s celebration the Saturday before my surgery. He never showed up. I talked to him later and he said that there was a big family argument. What, you couldn�t find a phone to let me know? This continued throughout my recovery, Daniel making promises and never following through. I got tired of having the same conversation with him. I kept telling him not to make promises he couldn�t keep, that I didn�t need it. That all he had to do was call, not make grand promises. He just couldn�t do it. So I broke up with him. I was actually very proud of myself because I stood up for myself for the first time. I didn�t put up with the bullshit. But I think I was able to do that because I didn�t really care about him. So it was easy to let him go.
After that, I decided to focus on my recovery and I didn�t date for a while. Then I met Navyman (I previously made a few entries on him, but I'm having hella trouble getting the links and the text to show up so I give up) and after just one date, I was convinced we had a future together. The date went that well. And the guy showed his true colors because after our second date, I never heard from him again, which brings us up to present day and Brian. Wasn�t that fun?
So my dating/romantic life has just sucked. And I take responsibility too, because I made it okay to treat me that way, I allowed it to happen again and again and again. I didn�t stand up for myself and say, �I deserve better� because I didn�t think that I did. And I was desperate. So I continued to date men after I knew they had a girlfriend, and when they knew I wanted more and wasn�t getting it and when they would ignore me if I tried to talk about my feelings. I made it okay because I kept coming back for more. And when a guy would suddenly disappear without reason, I just kept trying to bring them back, phone calls, e-mails, whatever I could do. I was desperate and it showed.
Now, for those of you who are still with me, on to the platonic relationships. And I�m going to get less and less detailed as I go because this is turning into a novel of massive proportions. So much baggage here, you might start to think you�re working in an airport.
In kindergarten, I was best friends with Jenny and Jody. I always felt like they liked each other better than me. In fact, one time, Jody was crying that I was coming over to her house, because she wanted Jenny to come instead. Another time, Jody told me she�d only come over and play with me if I let her play with my special doll. My mom told me she was manipulating me (yes, she used the work manipulate with a 6 year old. The scary thing is I knew what she meant) and I should tell her no. But I was lonely and I wanted a friend, so I agreed.
I remember in first grade, Jenny and I were playing together one day and hanging out with our dad�s. Our parents had become good friends through us, they are still friends to this day. Halfway through the day, we dropped Jenny off at a birthday party for a girl at our school. I wasn�t invited. I remember Jenny�s dad asking me why I didn�t go to the party. I had to tell him I wasn�t invited. I pretended like it wasn�t a big deal, because I got to hang out with the Dad�s instead and have a special lunch with them. But as I�m remembering this right now, tears are coming to my eyes, so I know it was a big deal. Everyone in the class was at the party. I wasn�t invited. Later the girl, Allison, told me that I had been invited, but seriously, I never got an invitation.
After 2nd grade, Jody moved away and Jenny went to a private school, so I had to make new friends. I became friends with Connie in 3rd grade. She was Mormon and had a lot of friends from her church. I could never compete with them. So though we were good friends, and I considered her my best friend, I knew I was not hers. I remember another day, I called up a friend of mine, Lisa, to see if she wanted to play. Her mom happened to be taking the phone off the hook as I was calling, so even though I connected, their phone never even rang. I remember this day and how I felt. I was so lonely and just wanted to be with someone. I heard Lisa in the background tell her mom she was going over to soandso�s house to play. I remember thinking �No, don�t go, play with me instead� but there was nothing I could do. I felt so rejected.
So in junior high, I was best friends with Debbie. I mean, we spent every minute together. We had the craziest times, because we both had these wild imaginations and we would walk around her neighborhood in the middle of the night just play acting, like D&D kind of role playing but our own made up stuff. And I had been friends with Connie before, but Debbie didn�t like Connie, she thought she was boring, so I started pushing Connie away. Then in High School, i went to a Catholic high school and they both went to public school. While I floundered like an outcast, guess who became best friends? And started doing everything together? And never invited me? Yeah, I don�t have to tell you because you already know.
And for some reason in college, this kept happening to me. I�d make two different friends, and they may or may not really like each other, but before I knew it, they were friends and I was out. Just like that. Buh-bye. I even had one of these friends tell me �Janet, I just don�t have the energy for you. I need to focus on my this or that. I can�t be your friend.� Maybe I�m crazy, but you don�t say that to a friend. If you are really a friend, you are there for that person while they are going through shit. But that�s just me. And so from that point on, that was my fear, don�t let people in, don�t let them see how you really are, don�t rely on anyone, don�t trust anyone, because they are going to abandon you. Whatever you are going through, you are going to have to go through it alone. So deal with it.
So one of my best friends now, Char, she and I have been through a lot. For the most part, I can really count on her, but it wasn�t always so. And she�s never come to any party that I�ve thrown, not a birthday party, not a graduation party, nothing. No matter what the celebration, there�s always some reason why she can�t make it. And even though we are good friends, it hurts that she isn�t there for the important moments in my life. I could go into more detail here, about how I�ve been there for her, how I�ve listened to her, helped her raise her daughter when she was a single parent and we were roommates, and how she couldn�t even come to my college graduation party, but folks, I�m just running out of steam. And I�m starting to sound really bitter too. I don�t want to be bitter.
An incident in the bathroom here at work makes me think about this whole thing too. I was standing at the sink washing my hands. I finished up and needed to get paper towels to dry them. As I was about to move to the towel dispenser, one woman came out of a stall and walked towards the sink. She was walking towards the sink that was next to the paper towel dispenser. For me to get to the paper towel dispenser, I would have to get in her way and block the sink for a micro-second. So instead, I walked across the restroom to the other towel dispenser. Now why is it that her need to wash her hands was more important than my need to dry mine? I�m always feeling like I need to acquiesce my needs to those of others. If someone is walking down the hall-way towards me, I move out of their way. I never expect them to move out of mine. Same thing with turnstiles and lanes on the freeway and so many other things. When did I decide that my needs aren�t important?
So that�s why Brian is so important to me. I mean, he decided he was attracted to me when I was lazing around the house in sweats and a (possibly) dirty t-shirt. He loved me when I was at my heaviest. He doesn�t use words like honey baby sweetie to gain my trust and make me think he loves me. He uses actions. When he�s home, he sees me, not his family, not his friends, not even his own house. He�s seen more of my apartment in the last 6 months than he�s seen his own house. He could say �I love you� even though it was months before I said it back. And the fact that I didn�t say it back, didn�t stop him from saying it. And when I�ve revealed to him ugly secret after ugly secret, (Hey Brian, did I tell you I am bi-polar? And did I tell you I have lupus? Oh, and did I mention I am married? And occasionally emotionally unstable, and sometimes I cut myself when I�m hurting inside?) he�s still there, loving me. And when I get moody and funky and dump and emotionally vomit on him, he still there loving me. And he tells me what he sees, he�s honest with me. And after he tells me, he�s still there loving me. He�s tender and passionate and he makes me laugh. He protects me and wants to be my knight in shining armor, but he allows me to fight my own battles when I tell him I am capable. And he always makes me feel that my needs are important, that I deserve the best. And if he were voting for class president, he would vote for me, and if we were picking teams for dodge ball, he would pick me. I don�t even question this, because when he�s home, he picks me. He�s flown across the country just to spend a few hours with me. And when the man comes along that can, with his mere presence and gentle fingers that grab a tendril of your hair, make all the pain of the past, every hurt and disappointment, evaporate like a wisp of smoke, well, you keep that man.
And this is why I wanted to be his girlfriend even though he�s not even in the country most of the time. Because he makes me feel special, because he tells me that I�m special and when he tells me I believe it. And no one else can do that. And maybe I shouldn�t need someone else to make me feel special. But I do. I do.
