I�ll start with the good news. On Saturday, I wore a pair of size 18 jeans. They were tight, and took a half hour to zip up, but they looked great. The didn�t even look tight once they were on and were surprisingly comfortable. They weren�t even stretch. It was just my stomach that got in the way, they fit everywhere else. Most of my size 20 bottoms still fit, but a couple of them are getting a little big and baggy� I am giving one pair away because I wore them last Wednesday and spent the whole day pulling them up. Also, I went shopping after Thanksgiving and bought myself some size XL sweaters. They are a little tight but should fit just right in a month or so. It was so nice to be able to shop in the �regular� section of the store, even if they are size XL and I am buying them for the future and not for right now. Honestly, I don�t know when I wore just a 1 X� there have been more than 1 X in front of the L for so long. Oh, I did wear a size Large shirt the other day, that was pretty cool. I know it was kind of oversized, but it fit perfectly.
I don�t really have bad news, it sounds like it from the way I started, but I don�t.
When I first started dating Brian, before we were �boyfriend/girlfriend�, I was also seeing someone else. We�ll just call him the Dark Haired Boy. I first met him in June I think, we met on line and started talking. We got a long and decided to go on a date. We made plans for a lunch date. The day of our date arrives and I call him for the final details but I just reach his voicemail. By 2 in the afternoon, I figured he had flaked on me. Oh well, time to move on. He called me back about 5 and apologized, he�d been out buying a new car, forgot his phone at home and didn�t realize it was going to take so long. He asked if I still wanted to go out. I told him I wasn�t really in the mood to go out but asked him if he wanted to come over and watch a movie. So he came over and we got along well, watched the movie, had a good time. We talked a few days later and made plans for dinner. The plan was that I would go out to his place after work. I was supposed to call him when I left work for directions. So the day arrives and I call Dark Haired Boy. No answer. So I left a message and proceeded to drive home, telling him to call in the next 15 minutes and I�d turn around. No call. I get home and go check my e-mail and he IM�s me. Says he�s at work and got caught in a meeting, just had a break and wanted to see if I was on line so he could let me know the score. Asked me if I wanted to go out after the meeting, which would end at about 8. I said, I don�t know, that�s kind of late and I�d still have to drive out there. He was a little peeved and told me to call him and let him know what I decided, he had to get back to the meeting. So about 7:30, I decided, why not, might as well get out of the house instead of sitting around bored. I called and left him a message telling it was a go� he never called back that night.
The next day, Dark Haired Boy IM�s me and tells me that he�s sorry he didn�t call back, but that he thought I wouldn�t come out anyway so he didn�t call. Okay, whatever. Then he says that he doesn�t think it�s going to work, that we want different things. I had been clear with him in the beginning what I was looking for, that I wasn�t looking for just a physical relationship and that anyone who was in my life was in it as a friend and then we�d see what happened. He had said he was cool with that and had even said that he wanted to be exclusive with me before we had sex. So now he�s saying that if it was up to him, we�d already be having sex and that he thinks I�m looking for more than he wants. So I said fine, everyone has the right to want what they want and it doesn�t hurt me any if you want something different. But I was bothered that he was changing his tune. And I was ready to move on. But then he had a change of heart and said how much fun he had with me, etc and let�s go out again. So the next Friday, he came over and we watched a movie and had dinner. He was staying out at his parents for the weekend, which was about 15 minutes away from me, and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out the next day, said he might go to the beach or maybe we just want to go to lunch or catch a movie. I said, that would be cool and told him I�d call him in the morning. I called him about 11 and he asked if we could move it to dinner. I said sure. He said he�d call about 4 and we�d go from there. So 4 comes, no call. I called and left him a message and he didn�t call me back. Okay, time to move on. I didn�t call him again. 2 weeks later, he finally called me back. By this point, I had pretty much just written him off. He was too flaky. But he was very apologetic when he called so I forgave him but made it clear that this was not to continue and that if he had to break some plans, he owed me a phone call to let me know. I mean, it�s not that big of a deal to cancel plans, life happens, stuff comes up, I try to be understanding. It�s the not calling that is rude.
So Dark Haired Boy and I hung out one more time, then I left on my trip to Mississippi. I returned early from my trip and was talking to him on line after my return. He had the day off and wanted to hang out. As he was on his way over, something came up and I had to cancel on him. I asked him if he wanted to hang out over the weekend and said I�d give him a call. By the time the weekend rolled around, I was really tired. The long drive had really worn me out and I just wanted to catch up on sleep. I never called him. I felt a little guilty about it, but we never had solid plans and I figured he was such a flake that I shouldn�t waste too much energy on it. And also, by then, things were really beginning to heat up with Brian.
A few weeks after that, Brian and I became exclusive. At that point, I figured there was no point in getting back in touch with him. And I just let it go. Life became really busy with work stress and medical problems and life in general. Life just moved on.
Well, a week ago, I got a text page from Dark Haired Boy asking why I never call him anymore. I gave him a call and we had a nice conversation, I told him about my boyfriend and some other things going on in my life. He was off all week and staying at his parents. He asked if I wanted to hang out or go to a movie. I said I was off on Wednesday if he wanted to hang out. Then he asked me about Tuesday and I told him I had to work but that I could call him when I got off. Well, when Tuesday came, I forgot my phone at work. I ended up working late that day and also wasn�t feeling good. I have been feeling like I�m catching a cold for a few days. So I just wanted to rest. He had sent me a text message asking if we were still going to hang out. I gave him a call when I got home and left him a message that I had forgotten my phone and just got home and was really tired. When he called me back, I let him know that I just wanted to relax that night and that I was going to go to bed early. He said okay and we�d talk later. About 10 minutes later, he sent me a text message saying �I don�t know why I bothered trying to hang out with a loser again. Have a nice life.� I was like �WTF? He can flake on me repeatedly but I�m not allowed to get sick?� So I called him back and left him a message saying �Hey, I flaked because I was sick, and I would have expected a little more understanding�. I figured that I wasn�t going to hear from him again.
On Thursday, I�m taking a little break while getting ready to go to my parents and he IM�s me. I was actually quite surprised to hear from him. He apologized for his message saying that he was upset that I had flaked. I said that for all the times he flaked on me and I forgave him I would have expected better from him. We had a long conversation and basically, he just wanted to hook up for sex and expected me to cheat on my boyfriend. It turned out that he had my website address and had been reading my journal. So he had read that I was having some frustration with the current state of my relationship and figured that now was a good time to move in for some nookie. The part that really gets me, is that he was mad at me for not cheating on my boyfriend. He was actually pissed off at me. Said he �didn�t get me�. Whatever, sorry for being faithful. What a child. He just wants what he wants and doesn�t care who he takes down to get it. God I hope it�s over and I don�t hear from him again.
I love Brian and no matter what�s going on between us right now, I know it�s not forever and I would never cheat on him just because life is hard. I really debated about whether or not I was going to put this story in my journal because now I know he reads it� but I decided oh well, I can�t change my journal just because of one person. And he probably has a different perspective on how events took place. That�s fine. He can keep his perspective and be mad at me all he wants. I think it�s good to be faithful and anyone who gets mad at another person for doing that is just too immature to worry about.
So I was talking to Brian the other day, and he decided to play therapist. He shared some of his �insights� into my personality. We were talking about emotional baggage and he shared that he thought I held on to tightly to my baggage and let it define me instead of just getting over it. At the time, I felt very hurt and attacked. My instinct was to get defensive. My second instinct was to turn it around on him and attack him for the baggage that he carries. I did neither. Inside, I was hurt, but to him, I just said �I don�t really see that but I�ll take a closer look and see what it all means.� I think I felt hurt for a few reasons. First, I feel like I have come very far in life. When I think back to some of the things I have been through and some of my old patterns of coping, I think I have really turned myself into a different person. And I felt like I wasn�t getting any credit for what I have done (of course, Brian didn�t know me then so he wouldn�t really know what I used to be like, or even what I�ve been through). Second, I felt like he was going to decide I was too f*cked up for him. That I wasn�t good enough. And then he�d leave. And third, I thought, god all this emotional work, personal growth and all of that, and I�m still so f*cked up. I just wanted to hear him say that he loved me anyway, that he�d do his best not to hurt me, that I deserved better. He didn�t say these things. And I felt that to counter what he was saying would only prove his point. To get insecure about it, would just show all the insecurities (baggage) that I still carry. So I just held inside what I was really thinking and talked it over with a friend instead. I was still upset when I went to bed.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt better. One of the things I love about Brian is that he calls things as he sees them. To expect less from him would be stupid. And I am glad that he felt comfortable sharing his thoughts with me. It was harsh but it took courage on his part. It means something. And really, he does have a point. I do still carry a lot of it with me. Not to say I haven�t done wonderful things at dropping some of it. But I do still let it define me to a point.
I think that what I want is for 1 person to hear my story, to hear what I�ve been through, to listen to it all and say that they are sorry, that they love me anyway, that I am a brave courageous person. I don�t feel like I have ever really been special to one person outside of my family. And they have to care. When I was growing up, I had friends, and I even had different �best friends� but I never felt like I was someone else�s best friend. I knew I was their friend, but I always felt as if they liked someone else �better� than me. I felt inferior. And that�s what I want from a relationship. I want someone to make me feel special. To put me first. But no relationship is going to make me happy. Only I get to control that.
So, I am going to try to drop my baggage. And, readers, you are the lucky ones, because I am going to drop it all on you. Enjoy.
