And now for the partial real entry.

Jana is one of my best friends and one of the people I spend the most time with. She�s my �girl day� buddy, my confidante and someone I can rely on for anything. If she calls me and I don�t answer the phone, she often keeps calling until I answer just to make sure I�m okay and not off hiding from the world. She has been invaluable to me this past year, going with me to my MRI, and volunteering to go with me to any of my other appointments if I wanted. She did fun things with me to help me keep my mind off of the crap going on. She encouraged me on my rough days and listened when encouragement could not crack my shell. I love her like I love my opposable thumbs.

Her little baby, seen here;

She�s a miracle baby. I love this little girl. I love her with every cell in my being. And every cell in my being is excited and happy for Jana. She has waited for so long. I have no resentment at all that she has her baby now. I spent time with them today and she is just such a happy and mellow baby. And she is spending enough time with me to realize that I am going to be a special person in her life. Though Jana�s religion doesn�t have godparents, she asked me to be the godmother. I was very touched and feel blessed to have a special role in her life.

But it hit me, when I was with her helping her register for her shower. My due date would have been Saturday. This would have been me a few weeks ago, registering for a shower. No matter how many times I hear, or think, that this is a horrible time for a baby and how hard it would be on my body right now, it still hurts. And I can�t talk to Jana about it because she would feel bad and I won�t spoil a minute of her joy.

It is very hard not to imagine the universe and what it would have been like if he/she had survived, how it would have been to hold him/her, to look in their eyes, give them a bath, have them fall asleep in my arms. It�s hard not to imagine a life without them, though I never had a life with them.

So in the background of all I do these days, my thoughts are of the baby that wasn�t, that never will be. So I feel sad, I feel melancholy, I cry, I mourn what never was. And this now concludes the short portion of my real entry.