All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Lobes.
2004-11-16, 10:33 a.m.

Apparently, I�ll sleep with anything. Last night I slept with a peanut butter M&M. I was tossing and turning trying to sleep and finally turned the light on to read for a while. I also munched on some peanut butter M&M�s. When I woke up this morning, there was a smushed up M&M, kind of smeared into the sheets. Um, guess I missed one. Oops.
Well, this brief moment of levity was brought to you by the letter M. Now for the more serious part of the entry. I will warn you now that there will be 1 rather graphic image towards the end so if you are faint of heart, or you are eating, best to avoid that part.
My OCD is out of control. It�s like when a record is playing and it starts to skip. I�ll get some thought in my head, just something simple like �I need to burn a CD� or �I might need to pee before I go to bed�. Then I just keep recycling the thought, with the thought playing over and over in my head. And it starts to be so rapid, that I am not even completely finished with the thought and I�m already starting it over. So in my head, it sounds like this: �I need to burn a CD. I need to burn a CD. I need to burn. I need. CD. CD. CD.� Until I am completely and totally crazy. So I will finally just get up and do it (even if it�s the middle of the night) so I can free my mind from the thought. But then a new thought just comes and takes its place.
This morning when I got to work, I was plucking my chin (yes, plucking my chin, aren�t you jealous) when I noticed a rash spreading across my cheeks. This looks surprisingly like the rash that appears when lupus is in a flare up. So now I�m wondering if my lupus is flaring up. This would explain the extreme fatigue I am experiencing. It would also explain the insanity, as lupus affects all organ systems, including the nervous system. So who knows, just have to wait it out and see.
You know how you have a bad dream (like someone dies or you lose your job) and you wake up from it and think �Oh thank god it was only a dream�? Or the reverse, you have something shitty going on in your life and you wake up and think, �Oh man, it wasn�t a dream�? So I woke up around 3 AM, and I had that thought, "Oh man, it wasn�t a dream.� But the weird thing is, I don�t know what the �it� was. What wasn�t a dream? What is the aspect of my life that I WISH was a dream? I don't even know.
I was laying in bed late last night, I am going through a myriad of emotions and trying to figure out which one is the one that I�m feeling/experiencing. I realized, that, in addition to all the typical emotions going through (cycling, at high speed, I should say) my mind, that I feel a sense of humiliation that is so strong it overwhelms me. And it�s mixed in with all these other emotions: helplessness, despair, hopelessness. Then, like I normally do, I was thinking, what image can I come up with to describe this strange mix.
So now for the graphic image. And here is where I might lose you all forever, because my mind is just a scary place. I wouldn�t enter it if I didn�t have to. It�s like this. There�s a woman with a baby. Someone is holding her baby with a gun to the baby�s head. She has to do his bidding in order to save her baby. Though she fears that no matter what she does, he will still probably kill her baby in front of her and her too. She is on a street corner. He is forcing her to perform fellatio on a number of men who are diseased. I�m talking pustules on their parts. Dripping ooze. Sickening. While she is performing fellatio, a crowd is surrounding her, taunting her and spraying her with diarrhea while they throw dirty diapers at her. So imagine how she feels. The humiliation, the despair, the disgust, the hopelessness, the terror. That�s how I feel, but I can�t find any reason for it.
So now I know, I am crazy. I feel it. This sense that I�m slowly unraveling and I can�t wind myself back up fast enough to keep up. I�m losing the battle. The good news is that I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I think I�m ready to go back on anti-depressants. I no longer have the energy to fight this on my own. I can�t sleep. I can barely get through the day. It�s good that I don�t live alone because if I did, I�d have the phones turned off, the door locked, the blinds/curtains/windows locked up tight. I�d be out sick from work, curled up in bed hiding from the world. I could do that for weeks at a time. No human contact. It�s one reason why I don�t live alone, so I�m forced to interact with the world. It helps me get up and get out the door in the morning.

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