Rain!
2004-10-17, 2:00 p.m.

Despite the sleeping pills, I still slept like crap. Perhaps, nothing is going to work right now. I fell asleep about 1ish, woke up at 2, at 3 and then again at 6. From 6 to 8:30, I was wide awake, eventually surrendering and getting up to read for a bit. But then my fatigue overwhelmed me and I fell back to sleep around 8:30 and slept until noon. I woke up still exhausted and even now, my eyes hurt with exhaustion. My whole body hurts in fact. I need a really good massage but I just don't know if I want to spend the money on that right now. I think a nap is in my agenda today.
Yesterday was so much fun. I rode several roller coasters and had a blast. I love that feeling of being pulled back in my seat and the big smile that just emerges on my face. Plus, it was great to see old friends -- people I just love so much and haven't seen in so long. Everyone commented on how great I looked and it was nice to see everyone feeling a little triumphant, physically at least.
I never know what to say when people ask me "What are you up to these days?" as they are apt to do at a reunion of sorts... I mean, I can't really say "Oh, I go to work and scatter tasks around my desk to look busy because I'm too overwhelmed, sad and angry to actually get anything accomplished. After I complete my required prison sentence at the office, I come home and try to figure out how I can sleep off my depression. I don't know -- doesn't really sound inspiring. There's really so much more to me than that, but the depression seems to be what's imminent in my mind these days. It's hard to see past that to recognize what's good in my life.
I do have to say this, I was given such a wonderful gift last night. It rained! I love to sleep to the sound of the rain. And there really isn't anything better than having a lazy morning, laying in flannel pajamas, listening to the sound of the rain, with no schedule, no plans, nothing to rush me through the wonderful moments lying in bed, listening to the sounds of the water on the roof.

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