Have you ever been on a road that you did not like, going to an destination that you didn�t really know how to get to, and you thought you were going the right way? And you can�t take another road because there isn�t one. And there�s no way to turn around because you have a cliff on one side and a mountain on the other. And then it starts to rain and you can�t really see. But you have to keep on going, even if you have to slow down. That�s how it feels right now.
If I had a choice, I would take a different path, I would already be at the destination, I would turn around, I would pull the car over and sit by the side of the road. But I don�t have a choice. So I keep going and hope that the destination is worth it.
Sometimes I just wonder, when is it going to be late enough to go to bed, because this day should just be over and I hate this day and it hasn�t brought anything good. I wonder that a lot.
I�m just scared tonight. Because I don�t know what I�m dealing with. And because if there is something to deal with, if I have a brain tumor or I�m going blind in one eye, I�ll be dealing with it alone. I mean, my family will be there. They are great, they are always there. But is it too much to ask to want there to be someone else there too� someone who loves me and isn�t family? Someone that loves me by choice and not because of family ties? Someone to support me through a hard time? Is that so much to ask? Apparently the answer is yes. That is too much to ask.
But I made another decision tonight. I�m going to take the next two years to get my act together�finish my degree, pay off bills, make more money (either through promotion or a new job) and then I am going to become a foster parent. And if it all works out, I�ll adopt the foster child. That�s my plan. There�s some child out there that needs what I can offer, whether it�s as a single parent or not.
On other fronts, I made a decision not to work out today. I was planning to go after work, but my muscles are still really sore and I did work out for the last three days, so I think my body needs 1 day of rest (not 5 or 25, just 1). I will go to the gym tomorrow. I also applied to the local community colleges so I can register for those two pesky classes I have left. I want to take them in the spring. So I did do something today towards that goal. I accomplished absolutely nothing at work today. I did nothing towards any of my other goals, but as long as I do something for one of them each day, I�m okay with that.
I weighed in yesterday and I am down to 250 on the nose. This means that I have lost 116 pounds in slightly less than 9 months. I am still considered morbidly obese according to my BMI, but in another 10 pounds, I won't be anymore. That will be very exciting for me. And even being 250 is awesome. I have never really spent any significant period of my adult life at this size. It's all a new frontier from here.
Right now I�m listening to songs that either motivate me, inspire me or help me become more grateful. Here�s the list of songs: �Blessed� by Martina McBride, �Strength, Courage and Wisdom� by India Arie, �You Stand Here With Me� by Creed, �Drive� by Incubus, �I Hope You Dance� by Lee Ann Womack, �The River� by Garth Brooks, �The Journey� by Lea Salonga, �Beautiful� by Cristina Aguilera, �These Are The Moments� by Sara Evans, �Up� by Shania Twain, �These Are The Days� by 10,000 Maniacs, �Shake My Soul� by Beth Nielsen Chapman, �Powerless� by Nelly Furtado, �You�ve Got A Friend� by James Taylor and �Don�t Stop Dancing� by Creed.
I am also reading this book called Everyday Sacred, a Woman�s Journey Home by Sue Bender. In it she talks about the begging bowl. This is an empty bowl carried by monks and every day they go out into the world and beg for food. Whatever is placed in the bowl is their daily sustenance and they are thankful for whatever they get. The idea is that we should be this way about life every day�view our lives as an empty bowl and be grateful for whatever is placed in it each day. Well, I�m working on it.
